Nov. 30, 2003: Is it okay to be single?
Darn it! I just came home from a rare Bears' victory. Joel and I used some expensive club level tickets I purchased on eBay and were lucky enough to sit in the sun for the whole game. Had a great time—Joel was able to buy Heinekens from a vendor in the stands, and he also found a stand where he surprised me with an appletini—not your typical stadium drink.
Anyway, I thought I'd jump online and check out all my new emails from potential suitors, but no one has replied. I did receive a Match email from post_impression, a 45-year-old with a shaved head and two kids who live with him. In his primary photo, he's wearing sunglasses inside, at night. So cool. And he doesn't own a TV. You know how I feel about those freaks. I will give him credit for writing a good, if cut-and-pasted, email:
"Hi. I realize that internet dating often ends up being a waste of time, with all those toads, warthogs and whatevers floating around. I can't guarantee that we'd be compatible, but I do promise to be unpretentious, an active listener, and a really fun date. But all that remains to be seen, and the best way to decide is to see for yourself. If you find enough compelling details in my profile to consider meeting for coffee or a drink I invite you to write back. If not, forza! and don't settle for second-best."
It's especially impressive in contrast to the lone email awaiting me in Yahoo: "Hey, I'm a new junkie too. I like your profile, John." A rookie junkie, ay? I'm only interested in veterans. Besides, he's wearing a backpack hooked over both arms in his photo—can you say loser? I'm just kidding. Kind of. Especially since he's wearing a hooded jacket in his other photo. Anyway, I think I might consider post_impression, but shaved heads make me cringe.
In MM, MRGREG491 captioned his email "Let me teach more about jazz"—I say in my profile that I wish I knew more about jazz (or anything really—strangely, I didn't retain much from my History of Jazz course in college). He's 41-45, "quite conservative," and doesn't post a photo, but he describes his looks as very good. He wrote:
"Your ads is like a breath of fresh air on a summer night. Hi my name is Greg. I'M 6'1 tall,200lbs with no fat.I'M romantic,handsome,humorous,intelligent,financially secure professional,mature,caring and a sweet traditional gentlemen with numerous activities. I'M also mentally,emotionally and physically fit,outspoken,open-minded and a good listener. I enjoy the performing art,jazz,movie and a wide range of outdoor activities. I'M definitely interested in speaking with you and learning more about you than what was in your advertisement. So what about we keep in touch so we can get to know each other better."
What about we don't, Mr. Greg?
All in all, a fairly disappointing harvest, considering I've written to 12 guys or so in the last couple of days. Joe from Yahoo, the single parent who doesn't get out much, hasn't written again, nor has Greg. On the other hand, Tim called yesterday afternoon, although I missed his call. Maybe we'll make dinner plans soon.
I read an interesting article in the New York Times today about people rebelling against the "compulsory dating encouraged by the barrage of books, Web sites and matchmaking services." "'There's a fetishization of coupling,' said Bella DePaulo, a visiting professor of psychology at the University of California at Santa Barbara, who studies perceptions of singles. 'It's made the pressure that's always been there more intense.'"
The article mentioned a Web site called www.itsokaytobesingle.com. I clicked over to the site, which urged me to join the "Single Liberation Movement" and buy the book "It's Okay to be Single." I left the site quickly.
The article also quoted a single woman who said, "This Internet stuff makes it seem like there's no excuse for not having someone." I'm not sure I agree with her. Or, at least, I don't blame the Internet; society made it seem like there's no excuse for singlehood long before online dating charged into the scene. Another woman said she thinks the era of the pitied single is on its way out. I don't know about that (if that were so, would I be bothering with this pursuit? I wonder), but she certainly described it well:
" … the onslaught of subtle and not-so-subtle messages that there's something wrong with you if you're not dating, that you must have some sort of fear-of-commitment pathology, or you're overly picky or you've become so accustomed to being by yourself that you'll never be able to accommodate another person."
I definitely people think something is wrong with me because I've had so little dating success, and I'm sure anyone who reads this thinks I'm overly picky (and maybe I am—but should I settle? Why is settling better than being single?). And I certainly worry that, after living by myself for more than 10 years, I couldn't accommodate someone else. I mean, one of the major draws of traveling alone for me is the total freedom from the need to accommodate others. Is it at all realistic to think I'd be able to accommodate someone on a day-in and day-out basis? Probably as realistic as it is to think I could surf.
Anyway, the article reassures me that I haven't imagined this oppressive pro-coupling regime. I'm not the only one who feels ostracized by society for being single and pressured to reform. Not surprisingly, though, the president of Match said, "I don't think their chances are as good if they don't take a proactive approach and try to blend the natural fates that exist out there with a proactivity," See, now, I feel like I agree with him, too, as well as the expert who said:
"It's like trying out a new diet. You hear about a new system or a new approach or a new site, and it seems to offer a lot of what you're after. You go through a period of being very high in the initial experience, then it doesn't quite pan out, there's a low, it leads to discouragement, you think, `Why am I doing this, I can be happy without it.'"
That's for damn sure. It's like she read my mind. Or this journal. But, again, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who rotates through such cycles, although it might be worrisome that she didn't say anything about going back again and again, taking yet another bite at the apple, despite the fact that it hasn't grown any less sour and unappetizing.Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn't have gone online today. I was much happier when my day was all about the Bears’ victory and the good time at Soldier Field. That should really be enough for me. Who needs dating?
Anyway, I thought I'd jump online and check out all my new emails from potential suitors, but no one has replied. I did receive a Match email from post_impression, a 45-year-old with a shaved head and two kids who live with him. In his primary photo, he's wearing sunglasses inside, at night. So cool. And he doesn't own a TV. You know how I feel about those freaks. I will give him credit for writing a good, if cut-and-pasted, email:
"Hi. I realize that internet dating often ends up being a waste of time, with all those toads, warthogs and whatevers floating around. I can't guarantee that we'd be compatible, but I do promise to be unpretentious, an active listener, and a really fun date. But all that remains to be seen, and the best way to decide is to see for yourself. If you find enough compelling details in my profile to consider meeting for coffee or a drink I invite you to write back. If not, forza! and don't settle for second-best."
It's especially impressive in contrast to the lone email awaiting me in Yahoo: "Hey, I'm a new junkie too. I like your profile, John." A rookie junkie, ay? I'm only interested in veterans. Besides, he's wearing a backpack hooked over both arms in his photo—can you say loser? I'm just kidding. Kind of. Especially since he's wearing a hooded jacket in his other photo. Anyway, I think I might consider post_impression, but shaved heads make me cringe.
In MM, MRGREG491 captioned his email "Let me teach more about jazz"—I say in my profile that I wish I knew more about jazz (or anything really—strangely, I didn't retain much from my History of Jazz course in college). He's 41-45, "quite conservative," and doesn't post a photo, but he describes his looks as very good. He wrote:
"Your ads is like a breath of fresh air on a summer night. Hi my name is Greg. I'M 6'1 tall,200lbs with no fat.I'M romantic,handsome,humorous,intelligent,financially secure professional,mature,caring and a sweet traditional gentlemen with numerous activities. I'M also mentally,emotionally and physically fit,outspoken,open-minded and a good listener. I enjoy the performing art,jazz,movie and a wide range of outdoor activities. I'M definitely interested in speaking with you and learning more about you than what was in your advertisement. So what about we keep in touch so we can get to know each other better."
What about we don't, Mr. Greg?
All in all, a fairly disappointing harvest, considering I've written to 12 guys or so in the last couple of days. Joe from Yahoo, the single parent who doesn't get out much, hasn't written again, nor has Greg. On the other hand, Tim called yesterday afternoon, although I missed his call. Maybe we'll make dinner plans soon.
I read an interesting article in the New York Times today about people rebelling against the "compulsory dating encouraged by the barrage of books, Web sites and matchmaking services." "'There's a fetishization of coupling,' said Bella DePaulo, a visiting professor of psychology at the University of California at Santa Barbara, who studies perceptions of singles. 'It's made the pressure that's always been there more intense.'"
The article mentioned a Web site called www.itsokaytobesingle.com. I clicked over to the site, which urged me to join the "Single Liberation Movement" and buy the book "It's Okay to be Single." I left the site quickly.
The article also quoted a single woman who said, "This Internet stuff makes it seem like there's no excuse for not having someone." I'm not sure I agree with her. Or, at least, I don't blame the Internet; society made it seem like there's no excuse for singlehood long before online dating charged into the scene. Another woman said she thinks the era of the pitied single is on its way out. I don't know about that (if that were so, would I be bothering with this pursuit? I wonder), but she certainly described it well:
" … the onslaught of subtle and not-so-subtle messages that there's something wrong with you if you're not dating, that you must have some sort of fear-of-commitment pathology, or you're overly picky or you've become so accustomed to being by yourself that you'll never be able to accommodate another person."
I definitely people think something is wrong with me because I've had so little dating success, and I'm sure anyone who reads this thinks I'm overly picky (and maybe I am—but should I settle? Why is settling better than being single?). And I certainly worry that, after living by myself for more than 10 years, I couldn't accommodate someone else. I mean, one of the major draws of traveling alone for me is the total freedom from the need to accommodate others. Is it at all realistic to think I'd be able to accommodate someone on a day-in and day-out basis? Probably as realistic as it is to think I could surf.
Anyway, the article reassures me that I haven't imagined this oppressive pro-coupling regime. I'm not the only one who feels ostracized by society for being single and pressured to reform. Not surprisingly, though, the president of Match said, "I don't think their chances are as good if they don't take a proactive approach and try to blend the natural fates that exist out there with a proactivity," See, now, I feel like I agree with him, too, as well as the expert who said:
"It's like trying out a new diet. You hear about a new system or a new approach or a new site, and it seems to offer a lot of what you're after. You go through a period of being very high in the initial experience, then it doesn't quite pan out, there's a low, it leads to discouragement, you think, `Why am I doing this, I can be happy without it.'"
That's for damn sure. It's like she read my mind. Or this journal. But, again, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who rotates through such cycles, although it might be worrisome that she didn't say anything about going back again and again, taking yet another bite at the apple, despite the fact that it hasn't grown any less sour and unappetizing.Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn't have gone online today. I was much happier when my day was all about the Bears’ victory and the good time at Soldier Field. That should really be enough for me. Who needs dating?
posted by Bemused @ 9:46 AM
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