Oct. 23, 2003: Being with Barry

I started the morning by replying to Rob in EH. I wrote about my work a bit and school, and also answered his question about my travels. Concluded by asking him about his travels, where he lived before Chicago (one of the things he's glad for is to be back in Chicago, per his profile), and what type of business he hopes to start (also from his profile). And I asked about his photo. I think it's a little ridiculous not to give me a gander if he expects this to proceed at all.

I also replied to Ray. His email was so long, but I held back some (partly because I had an appointment to get to). I'm becoming too invested in our exchange (as opposed to Barry, with whom I've barely communicated in comparison). I talked a little more about fantasy football but was careful to work in my plans to hit a wine sale and go out to dinner with a friend tomorrow night, so as to demonstrate non-sports interests.

I cleared Tom’s messages out of my Inbox, and I noticed he sometimes used Lucinda Sans in his emails—what kind of a font is that for a man to use? Not to mention the fact that his email address has the word DÉCOR in it. Yeah—I need someone more manly. Which reminds me, Barry hasn't gotten back to me with a time for tonight yet. I will not panic.
***
Barry just called to confirm a time for tonight. Nice touch—more personal than doing it by email. I like his voice—low and hearty, very manly but with a touch of humor and self-confidence. He works for Bank One; he called my non-business line and the only reason I answered is because I thought the call might be about my line of credit. Uh, oh—wonder if he has access to any of my financial history. Maybe he'll find my sterling credit history to be sexy. Anyway, we're on for 7:30pm or so. He said he needed to go for a run first—but I thought his work day ends at 3pm. Maybe I'm his second date of the evening.

Over on EH, two new matches have turned up, Edward (47—too old) and Lenny (44); Lenny requested communication. I also have three earlier ones that I need to decide whether to pursue—Michael (35, Downers Grove), Brian (33, Woodridge), and Adam (39, Evanston).

I requested communication with Michael. He can't live without golf clubs and chocolate; on the other hand, family seems really important to him so he probably wants to be a dad. I think I'll skip Brian. He has a photo and isn't really my type, plus I don't even know where Woodridge is located and Ronald Reagan is the most influential person in his life. And his passions include his niece and nephew—i.e., father material. Adam is a yes, mainly because he lives in Evanston. Nothing in his profile jumped out at me, other than being thankful for his mom (nice) and living in the USA (Republican? Country music fan?). No go on Lenny. He skews old, has kids, and uses the words "sucks" and "lover" in his profile (not together, thankfully).

Overall, though, I've reaped more "matches" (26) from EH than I expected, considering how rare they make it seem and that factoid in the US News article about the thousands enrolled who haven't scored a single match. The kid thing probably hurts me as far as moving forward with these guys, but I can't blame EH for that.

On the other hand, I expected more action in Yahoo. I received a new message today, but in general they're really dribbling in for me. The guy today, fairgame341, is 44 and lives in Roselle. I have to give him credit for recognizing the "Life is Good" reference in my headline, though—he guessed that I probably own a number of the “Life is good” brand t-shirts and called them "cute."
***
Sigh. So it's 10:23pm and I just got home from my audition with Barry. I really liked him and thought it went fairly well, despite the occasional conversation lull, but I'm already bummed. I'd really like to see him again, but I’m pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way. You know, I need to pay more attention to what these guys say at the end of the audition (e.g., "I'll call ya" or "Nice to meet ya"). He's planning to do the same race I'm running in on Sunday morning, and yet I was the one at end of the night who said "I'll look for you Sunday" or something to that effect.

What is it that I do wrong? Maybe I need to accept that I'm physically unattractive. Barry wasn't. He's tall and fit, with blue eyes and graying short hair. Good looking. He has a sense of humor and can converse. Thus, out of my league. Frankly, it's hard to believe he's available.

Anyway, from a chronicling standpoint, he picked me up on time, at 7:30pm, in a red button-down shirt and jeans; I wore jeans with a long-sleeved, yellow ribbed shirt, with a scoop neck. He drove a black SUV, but I told him it made more sense to walk to Charlie's from my place. He said he liked how much parking was available on my street—wouldn't that be a good quality in a girlfriend, I thought to myself.

We sat on the bar side at Charlie's but in a booth, where we commiserated about the cigarette smoke. We shared an appetizer (chicken quesadillas) and each ordered a salad, and worked through three rounds of drinks. After he paid the check, I suggested we move to the bar (where we were served by the same bartender who waited on Mike and I last week), so I could buy a round. I really enjoyed the whole thing and would have liked to stay out longer, but I didn't want to drink anymore, and he gets up for work at 5:30am.

Needless to say, I didn't do a very good job of holding up my self-imposed rules on how I should act. Talked too much. Mentioned the meningitis thing—"I told my mom I thought I'd be okay if I stayed out of my usual leather bars and bathhouses" (which, of course, was a lie—I didn't tell her that). But I did make a point of turning towards him full-body when we were sitting at the bar. He didn't reciprocate.

He mentioned receiving three or four emails from Match chicks yesterday, and that I was his "first" Match date (why should that bother me? I have a "date" with Ray on Tuesday). My only hope is that he's new to the whole online thing, doesn't know the protocol, and will think he should ask me out again, just as a matter of form. At one point, he mentioned that he really liked Charlie's and would definitely be back, but then he modified that statement, saying he'd go to the one by his place. So you don't expect to return to my 'hood, Barry? Is that what you're saying?

I'll write more tomorrow, when I can recount what we talked about. Right now, I'm too bummed out about how I think we're pretty compatible, and I definitely find him attractive, but in all likelihood, nothing will happen. I can't deal with this right now. I only hope I can restrain myself from emailing him first thing in the morning.

Oct. 22, 2003: Shameless

Huh—no response from Ray or Barry to my last emails. I haven't heard from Ray since Monday evening. Were my last emails too snarky? Have they met someone else or decided I’m not their type? I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help but start thinking these types of thoughts when the communication flow lulls.

I heard from Rob in EH, though. We're in open communication now, but he still hasn't revealed his photo—makes me a bit apprehensive, I must admit. His first email is fairly rudimentary, just asking me about my work and travels. I'll answer later, and try to find something from his profile to ask him about.

MARK784 replied with another scant email. Re the lotion-man crack: "I think I can handle that" and then just a list of his activities. Three more uses of ellipses and one emoticon. Not much of a conversationalist. Also in MM, BLUEYEZZZ557 sent an email, with his other email address, aviator_rocks@hotmail.com. He asks if I have any photos—uh, yeah, four are posted in my profile! Anyway, he's a smoker living in Streamwood, with a bushy beard and hair, and two kids. His favorite movies include "Tommy Boy" and "Old School." Need I say more?
***
Well, being the insecure, lame ass I am, I've sent both Ray and Barry new emails this afternoon. And, to exacerbate the lame-ish-ness of such a move, I referred in both to how I'd just returned from my volunteer gig, where I was packing condoms ("let me rephrase that—packaging condoms"). I have no shame.

An Icebreaker came in while I was out, from Quicktimer at Emode. He's 55 and 5'8”, and used four of the optional lines Emode offers. One was "You're the kind of person I could grow old with." Um … yeah…but then who'd grow old with me? You could easily be six feet under by the time I reach your age. No photo, of course, and lots of misspellings, as in "I am well past the bar seen." The soft red light bulbs in his bedside lamps are awfully alluring, though. Not.

Phew. Barry replied, and we're on for tomorrow night. Unfortunately, he suggested Charlie's for a drink or two and maybe eating there. Déjà vu. 1) Whatever will the bartender think, me in there on another Thursday with another guy? 2) I haven't exactly basked in success there. Anyway, Barry said he could pick me up or we could meet there. Now, I know dating safety and my usual reticence would typically lead me to say I'll just meet him. But I think I might go out on the limb this time. Maybe it'll change my bad mojo.

Ah, and I just received a very lengthy email from Ray. Why am I such an alarmist, especially about people I've never even met? Ray's email elicited several laughs, and he includes his phone number. He wrote a particularly funny riff on my condom line:

"Volunteer work? You're a do-gooder. Where at? Are you handing out cookies and condoms at you're nephew's college campus? I can see it now. Aunt Barb, what are you doing here? You're embarrasing me! Or are they starting sex ed at the kindergarten level? Here are you cookies and condoms kiddies. Now it's nap time. Billy, get away from Susan and zip up your pants."

OK—maybe I'm overstating the hilarity of it, but it made me laugh. Of course, I'm feeling generous toward him just for continuing the correspondence. And, I realize, setting myself up for disappointment, as well. I know all the pitfalls; I just can't seem to avoid them.

On a somewhat related note, I just listened to a message from my mother, who "got the unhappy news at lunch today" about a meningitis "outbreak" in my neighborhood. Of course, it's not in my neighborhood—it's in Boys Town, but she hears “gay neighborhood” and immediately thinks of me. Heartwarming, I know. She suggested I go in for the free shot being offered, but I think I'll be okay if I avoid bathhouses and leather bars. I mention this because, knowing me, I'll probably work this tidbit into conversation with Barry tomorrow night. I have a knack for making such bizarre conversational turns that probably portray me as a real weirdo.

I've been thinking about why I have such trouble getting a second date, and I think part of it is that I talk too much, partly out of nerves, partly out of wanting to show the guy how much we have in common. He mentions something, and I have to respond with, "Oh, well, I blah, blah, blah." It's not a matter of one-up-manship but wanting to establish common interests or background. I should work on that. Talk less and/or ask more questions. Leave 'em wanting more, create an air of mystery. Play hard to get. You know, don't be so open and don't lay myself out so much. Leave a little something for next time, something for them to get to know later. Don't be so eager to please and don't make it so obvious what a great pal I'd make. Friendship is not the ultimate goal here, only part of it.

Along those lines, I'm not doing my usual immediate-response thing to Barry and Ray's emails (especially Ray's—it's so long, I don't have time to do it justice right now). Oh, and I need to reply to Rob in EH, too. I'll wait a couple hours at least. Such restraint, I know. I should, however, put it on the record that I'm known far and wide for my prompt email responses; it's not only with potential suitors that I'm like a short-circuited ball machine, firing the next reply before the sender can settle back in receiving position.

So I guess Tom didn't fall for my pitch/impassioned plea to give the "opposites attract" theory a try. I don't really care at this point, but how humiliating. I have to get it through my thick skull (as my mother would say) that I shouldn't have to talk a guy into going out with me. I deserve better than that … Right? It comes back to those same persistent, vexing questions—how much am I willing to compromise and how much can and should I hold out for?
***
I received a pretty lengthy Emode email from lup8. First, he lays out his credentials as a news junkie, which is fine, but then he launches into his legal career and failed marriage, and how his life has evolved into a "very satisfying tapestry." He also offered a disclaimer for his photo:

"Don't be put off by my picture; quickest way to get digital pics was a friend at the office; despite the tie and french cuffs, I assure you (as my friends all would) -- I'm not a disgustingly arrogant, insufferable, pompous, coddled, overly indulged and catered to lawyer (do I sound like I know big law firms or what--lol), and never will be. People always come first with me."

Funny how I love the long message from Ray but am put off by it from this guy; of course, this is unprompted revelation—like I said above in relation to myself, don't give it all up right away. And I complain about MARK in MM not divulging much, so I should be happy with this, right? No … too much, too soon; we haven't had any back-and-forth.

The original epistle came in at 12:58pm At 3:22pm, he sends a follow-up, elaborating more on the end of his marriage and its results (i.e., cooperative relationship with the ex over the kids and a more empathetic view on life for him). This is way overboard at this point, my God. Talk about coming on too strong. And I'm not even interested anyway—he's bald, 5'9”, and has kids who sometimes live with him in LaGrange.

I should clarify. I'm not saying I would never date someone in the burbs and/or with kids, but I'm not going to actively pursue such a guy at this juncture. I don't rule out either as something that could happen, but those aren't among my preferred situations. I mean, Greg has a kid, and I was ready to try that on for size.

One Icebreaker on Yahoo. No photo, lives in Elgin, has kids at home full-time. An interesting line from his profile: "if you're not happy, well that's okay because if i were i wouldn't place this ad, right?" How enticing. It's also, I think, a generalization and an inaccurate one, at that. I don't think everyone who tries online dating is "not happy"; to the contrary, it seems like a lot of the people I communicate with or even just read about are quite happy, just looking for one final piece to the puzzle.

Oct. 21, 2003: Hot matches--NOT

Plenty of EH mail waiting for me this morning—three new matches and communication from Rob. I answered Rob's three questions—what I could do to improve the quality of my life right now; what I find physically attractive in a man; and what would I do tonight, if I was assured of no costs or reprisals. For the attractive question, I unfortunately found it was easier to come up with things that don't attract me—long hair, most facial hair, tattoos, piercings, overly buff or overly fluff. I did say a nice, easy smile and friendly eyes, too. As far as quality of life, that was a throwaway—I'm pretty satisfied with the quality of my life; all I need is you! Kidding. The last one was tough. As I wrote, I'm sure I'll think of lots of better answers; in the meantime:

"I have pretty simple tastes--Mexican food and bowling, a sporting event, or just drinks with friends always sound good. But if money is no object ... maybe a nice dinner (surf 'n' turf, chocolate dessert) on a boat, a moonlight walk and who knows from there .... All in a warm climate, of course. If we're talking about a non-romantic event, maybe rent a rooftop or box at Wrigley and provide transportation, food, and beverage for friends and family. Or do the same thing at Ravinia. Again--this one is really tough!"

The next stage is open communication, I believe, and presumably he'll unveil his photo then. I worry a little that the question about what I find physically attractive may betray a lack of confidence in his physical appearance, but I guess I'll see. Unless he's a fat, long-haired guy with a beard, tattoos, and piercings, that is. Then I probably won't hear from him again.
***
OK, I'm almost certain I won't renew Emode. The latest "Mutual Matches"/"these people want to meet you" email it sent me presents 10 guys, ranging in age from 19 to 54, including four who are 49 or older. The 19-year-old is 5'5” and lives in Cincinnati. He graduated from high school last year, has kids, and wants more. That's so sweet. And it's practical that he's getting the kids out of the way now—he won't have to worry about it in his 40s (although he might want a fresh batch by then).

The last five "hot matches" Emode sent had no photos, and most were too short. Their profiles were all very minimalist, as well. I just don't think the kind of guy I'm looking for is on Emode. I wonder how Ray slipped through. He seems way too normal.

I did receive an Emode Icebreaker yesterday from someone, calmandconfident, who sounded fairly normal in his profile, if overly effusive in his message:

"It's incredible to finally find someone who has the same outlook on life as I do. Were we separated at birth? We have so much in common it's almost scary. Wow. You are exactly what I am looking for. You've got a great way of expressing yourself."

Hah! I thought that line about how I express myself sounded familiar, so I searched my deleted messages and found it in three Emode Icebreakers I've previously received. Turns out Emode offers a list of a dozen lines you can send:

• Wow! Our compatibility score is really high!
• You caught my eye because of your great sense of humor.
• It's incredible to finally find someone who has the same outlook on life as I do.
• Let's face it. You're sexy.
• It's inspiring to find someone who shares my love of religion.
• You are my complete opposite. And I like that.
• Were we separated at birth? We have so much in common it's almost scary.
• Wow. You are exactly what I am looking for.
• I appreciate how grounded and down to earth you are.
• You've got a great way of expressing yourself.
• Your strong spiritual side really drew me to you.
• You're the kind of person I could grow old with.
  

How unbelievably lame. Yeah—I'm canceling.

I've decided not to even bother answering Dave. If he wants to meet, he can take the initiative. We don't need an ongoing string of empty emails.

I sent Barry an email, just to touch base and, ideally, confirm for Thursday. My first draft made a crack about how he's probably been flooded with Match email, but I took that out for fear it could be misinterpreted or sound catty or possessive. Instead, I said something in the final paragraph about how I hoped he was enjoying Match but not too much. Flirty, for me. He's responded, and now we're just nailing down the details: drinks, dinner, dessert? Hmmm—was dessert supposed to be innuendo, I wonder?
***
MARK784 from MM responded, but very scantily—four or five incomplete sentences, depending on whether you count his apparent offer to oil me up in Hawaii ("need a lotion boy? :-)"). Two emoticons in only 35 words—impressive. Do I bother responding? He's obviously not willing to give up much information, which isn't a good indicator for future relationships. It's surprising, because his profile is pretty complete, with no less than five photos! And he's 6'1”-6'2”.

What the hell—I responded that I would prefer a "lotion man." Didn't pursue that line of repartee further, though, just went on to ask what he does for fun when he's here on the mainland. Seems like he travels a lot.

Yikes—I'm shopping on Yahoo, and Greg's profile came up. He's posted a new photo, and I almost emailed him, just to let him know it's a good picture and send him sympathy over the fate of the Red Sox. What's wrong with me, for God's sake? It's so bizarre how you can come to feel like you know someone you've never even met.

Oct. 20, 2003: Flirting with disaster (or not)

Well, doesn't look like I survived the cut with Mike—I've heard nada from him. I just don't get it. Do guys make up their minds that quickly, is it that black or white for them, or am I just that repellant? I'll pretty much always go on a second date, if asked. It seems hasty to judge someone by one meeting—people have bad days, might be nervous, etc. Unless, of course, someone holds absolutely no interest physically or has no discernible sense of humor or is rude or racist or something. Which of these categories do I fall under for these guys? What is it about me that makes a guy so sure in such a short period of time that he does not want to see me again, especially after having had good email exchanges and/or phone conversations?

I don't know that it's something I'd have the nerve to follow up on with the guys, asking them to explain. It's one thing asking why they stopped preliminary email exchanges, but once they've actually met you, it could be really crushing to the ego to hear their answers.

I wonder if I'm not flirty enough. That's something I'm just not good at; I never learned how. I didn't have the self-confidence for it when I was younger, at the age when most women are perfecting their flirting skills. Now that I do have more confidence (even if I’m not coming off that way here), I just don't know what I'm doing flirting- or signal-sending-wise, and, as a consequence, I feel silly and self-conscious even trying. It definitely doesn’t come easily to me, especially sober, and I don't like to get that drunk anymore.

On a more pleasant note, I received another email from Ray this morning, and it turns out he lives not too far from me. It doesn't look like our schedules are jibing for this week, so I hope we can hook up next week. Speaking of hooking up, I don't mind saying that I'd really like to get a little lovin' from one of these guys and soon. A girl has needs, after all.

Rob from EH has taken us to the next level—must-haves and can't-stands. He must have a person who has a passion for the arts. I wouldn't say I have a passion, exactly, but I'm certainly interested in the arts, and I'd like to become more involved. Otherwise, we seem fairly compatible from these lists, and I've sent him three short-answer questions. In one, I asked what he means by "playfulness" because his profile says that's the most important quality for his partner to possess.

My Emode subscription comes up for renewal at the end of the week. I'm thinking about letting it go. Other than Ray, I've been really unimpressed with the Emode prospects.

Over on MM, I sent a reply to MARK784, who didn't give me much to work with in his reply to my initial email. He travels a lot, so I wrote about my upcoming trip to Hawaii. I'm deleting the email from ACHALLENGE860, who’s 46-50, 5'9”-5'10”, with a walrus mustache. An attorney, he lives in Oak Park, and yet has chosen to be a "non-driver." He blames his deep commitment to ecology and not needing a “motorized-vehicle-as-an-extension-of-his-ego.” I'm thinking DUI. He asked how big of an issue age is for me—big enough.

I'm such a loser—I'm sending Mike one last email, to be on the safe (read: pathetic) side. Just a light-hearted missive, sharing this great quote I read in the paper yesterday: “Ultimately, Cubs fans are just Charlie Brown wandering in the park looking for Lucy and the football.”

Well, Mike replied, but it was pretty noncommittal:

"Yes that is sad but true. Well my last relaxing weekend is over, I must now start boxing up everything own and get ready to move next week. So not looking forward to it. Mike"

I'm either not going to reply, which would be the dignified thing to do, or reply with a breezy "good luck with the move, I'm sure you'll survive" type of thing. And let's remember—he's moving into a house his roommate just bought. Not a good thing. The roommate, BTW, who had "an old" bag of pot tucked away in his room when the cops searched the place the day of Mike's drug bust. Drug bust, mind you!! Yeah—I'm not replying at all. Cut my losses and focus on the future—Barry and Ray. Although the Ray thing is far enough off that it could very well not happen. And, if Barry truly is new to Match, he's probably getting flooded with emails and might get caught up in the whirlwind of possibilities. I could just be a demo model for him. If he's receiving lots of mail, why settle for one of the first women he meets?

Nonetheless, I suppose it counts as some progress that two guys even want to meet me, and proposed it on their own. Baby steps (if you can make those with size-11 feet).
***
I just came across Mike's profile while running a quick search on Match and noticed it'd been active within the past 24 hours. Turns out he added a shirtless photo of himself, post-marathon. Nice bod, but I'm not crazy about guys who post shirtless photos. Not that it matters at this point, but I probably never would have emailed him to begin with if that photo had been up. Really, I swear!

Dave replied. He rambled a bit about baseball and said a drink would be great. But then he said he'd be out of town for a few days next week—already making excuses. I'll reply that he should let me know when he's free. I'm not expending any more energy on him. I've probably already spent too much time, but I admit to being drawn in by the fact that he says in his profile that he likes to kiss … a lot.

Oct. 19, 2003: Speed dating

No reply from Tom, to what I'm increasingly seeing as a pathetic plea to give me a chance, or from Mike, to the Yahoo news story I sent him Friday. Of course, it's a beautiful weekend and maybe they're just enjoying it offline, blah, blah, blah.

EH thinks it has found me two new matches, Mark and Carter, and Yahoo has a new message. In Yahoo, thanasis633 is 5'9”, lives in Lisle, and wants kids. In EH, Carter can't live without Fox News Channel—there's a Texas-sized, Confederate-patterned red flag. Elsewhere in EH, I’m seeing no progress in my "ongoing matches." No replies from six guys from whom I've requested communication, and a couple others, where we made it to stage 3 or 4, have died on the vine after the kid issue reared its ugly head. I'm not surprised by this turn of events—every EH guy can now see right from the start how I feel about kids, so why would they communicate?
***
Hey, hey—just got notice from EH that Rob, the one who mentioned his speech therapist, has answered my first five questions and what you do know—he says zero would be the ideal number of children. Houston, we have contact. I've found my husband! Seriously, though, that is encouraging, if only to know some guys out there feel that way. His five questions are encouraging, too, about the importance of chemistry, my idea of adventure, what kind of date would I prefer, my comfort level with physical affection, and whether debating the issues of the day is enjoyable. As for the last one, it's tricky—it could indicate either a fondness for debating on his part or a strong aversion. I guess you could say that for a lot of these questions. But I forget—you’re expected to answer honestly, not just give the answer you think the guy wants to hear.
***
I called Barry but no answer, which was somewhat of a relief. I don't why, but I definitely prefer not to be the one making the call. Regardless of who initiates the call, though, I'd have to say the phone call is my least favorite stage of this process. I think I might even prefer just going from email to audition. Those phone calls can be so nerve-wracking and awkward. They should come with Valium. On the other hand, several calls in the past have lasted an hour or more. Of course, nothing ever happened after our first meetings, so those were essentially the equivalent of a yet another long email string gone unraveled.
***
Just talked to Barry—went very well, if I do say so. He caught me in the middle of working online on my fantasy football team, and I started talking about that for a while, but then tried to steer the conversation away from sports. After the feedback from Tom, I’m wary of seeming too Sporty Spice. But conversation flowed easily, from his work (with traders in foreign currencies), our weekends (including Mexican food and Sedaris for me and ultimate Frisbee and dinner at the Weber Grill for him), running, and weather (he's not a winter fan, either, and has lived in Phoenix, Tucson, and L.A.) to the hot dogs I'm making for dinner (hope he didn't think that was innuendo), my experience with Match, and my neighbor's premature Halloween party last night. "Geez, is he having a Christmas party next week?" he joked, to which I replied, "I don't think he celebrates Christmas." My neighbor's name is David Schwartz. Hope that remark didn't sound like a slur.

Barry claims he's a first-timer on Match (I tend to believe him because he said he wasn't telling anyone that he’s wading in the online dating waters—he's wearing the shame and embarrassment of a newbie), and unfamiliar with the "protocol." "So what happens now? Can we meet?" he asked, but it was more "Is it allowable to meet?" than "You sound great! Would you like to get together?" I said, yeah, I'd love to get a drink or something. Then the conversation detoured a bit. Anyway, we're meeting for dinner and drinks on Thursday. He asked whether I prefer drinks or dinner, and I said I was flexible ("I like that," he interjected), we could even do both. So, both it is. He's supposed to call me Tuesday or Wednesday.

That was one of the better pre-audition calls I've had, and he's 6'4”, so I'm mildly optimistic (I want so badly to be optimistic for every audition, but that optimism has reared back and slapped me in the face so many times it’s very difficult). This makes a nice end to the dating week, especially considering I haven't heard at all from Mike, Tom, or Dave (not that I care that much about Dave). Jim also seems to have disappeared, but again, no big loss. He sports a goatee, after all.

Doing some maintenance work while the wieners cook (really—not an innuendo), I'm deleting BADADVICE999 (41-45, Carol Stream, 5'9”-5'10”, with a really unappealing profile—his favorite subject in school, e.g., was Sex Ed) and KIRBYK492, the guy from Elmhurst.

Ooh—another good message from Ray just came in, and, to top it off, he suggests we get together. Even better, he goes so far as to actually outline an outing—drinks and pool, which he noticed I like from my profile. Attention to detail and initiative. He's a keeper. And, being the loser and poor game player I am, I'm responding right now! Two dates in about 15 minutes—that's more like it. Talk about speed dating!

Back in MM, I still need to respond to MARK784 and OREGONGUY, but I'll wait until tomorrow, and play hard to get. Yeah, right.

Oct. 18, 2003: Topless photos

This morning I opened an email from Ray, sent last night. I love him. I'm kidding, of course, but he continues to show a lot of promise. Good, funny emails that also reveal his interests and his background. I'd like to meet him. Not an NPR listener and didn't know who Sedaris is, but no big deal. At least he showed the gumption to look him up online.

Also have an email from Matchmaker, "Hot new matches just for you." Oh, so does that mean no one else can see these profiles, that they’ve plucked them out and set them aside for me and only me? I think not. And they're obviously not too tailored for me since six of the 10 are 5'10” or under, some even topping out at 5'7”-5'8”. Anyway, nothing of interest there.

And I received an email from an Emoder, playrugby. Besides the fact that he dispenses with punctuation in both his email and his profile, he's 51 and lives in Nashville. Stop wasting my time. And he describes his body type as athletic/muscular, when his photo clearly shows jowls, a double chin, and a belly hanging over the waist of his pants like the bottom lip of a petulant child. Do these guys really think they're athletic/muscular? Or do they think they have to say that? Personally, an athletic body isn't a requirement for me (and, in fact, I generally discount hard body types), but I also want a guy to be honest in his profile, whether about age or body.
***
Just got a call from Barry. I initially thought it was a wrong number because of the name on Caller ID—don't know any Barry Epstein. Then the light bulb went off in my head, but I let the call go to voicemail—I wasn't prepared, and I'm heading out for the night soon. I had enough time to pull up his profile, though, and check his "faith"—no answer. Whatever. Jewish, Christian, makes no real difference to me. It might take a special Jew, though, to take my "your people killed my Lord" jokes. Those never get old.

Anyway, he sounded good, not too nervous or uncertain, a nice clear voice. Identified himself as "Barry from the computer," in case I have "other Barry friends.” Said he hoped to talk me soon and that I was out enjoying the beautiful weather. Sounded self-assured. I'll give him a call tomorrow some time.

Oct. 17, 2003: Shit or get off the pot

By the light of day, predictably, Mike is of more interest to me. He was definitely my type physically, and I like that he cares about staying fit but not too much (as evidenced in the extreme by his pot and cigarette smoking). I'll try to hold off until tomorrow on the emailing. But I bet he won't be interested in me.

This morning I found a couple new matches from EH and an email from a Matchster, vienchere76. What’s classic is that I recognize his message:

“Dar soon-to-be woman of my dreams,
Ok, so I may be jumping to conclusions, but what can I say, I'm an optimist! I'm on my way to Vegas (yeah me!!) so I have to make this short (sorry!). I know that they don't let you reply for free here (&*$%), so here's my email address. todd8760@yahoo.com
I'd looove to hear from you, and that way I can send you a photo since they haven't posted mine yet. Check out my measly profile in the meantime & I'll drop a quarter in the slots for you!!”

This clown sent me the exact same message, except with a different email address and from a different username (sportbiker40s), a couple months ago. This time, the guy doesn't even have a profile posted. I guess he qualifies as one of the "players" you hear about. I would love to email him and let him know he's duplicating his efforts. But no.

I did, however, just succumb to the temptation to email Mike. But I only sent a link to a story in Yahoo about how Hollywood might make a movie based on the fan who interfered at the Cubs' playoff game. No biggie, right? I wrote that I wished I'd thought of the idea; nothing about last night or wanting to get together or hoping to hear from him. That’s me—a real model of restraint.

While I'm on a roll, I sent Tom an email asking why he stopped communicating with me:

"Sorry to bother you, but I wanted to ask a quick question.

I'm working on a book about online dating, and I want to address the situation where one person in a nascent online relationship just stops communicating, pretty much out of the blue, leaving the other person with no idea why. I figure there's got to be myriad reasons, and, as part of my research, I'm trying to collect some of those. So... why did you stop emailing me? No hard feelings, I promise, even if it wounds my ego. Thanks for your help and best of luck with your search."

Over to EH. One of the two new matches, Tim (34, Palatine), has already placed me on hold, for the reason "other." Chad closed me because he has “too much happening in my life at the moment." No big loss—he has two kids and lives in Schaumburg. I haven't received responses from five guys from whom I've requested communication, and John in Orland Park hasn't answered my three short-answer questions. This is pretty much what I expected, based on the kid thing, but I have to admit that it hurts anyway. It still feels like rejection, which is absurd. I mean, these people have never even emailed me, let alone met me, unlike Mike. From him, it will be rejection.

The other new EH match, Joseph (42, 5'11”, Chicago), lists one of his best life-skills as "raising/caring for children," so I'm not going to request communication. Well, maybe I will. He already has a daughter, and the rest of his profile is pretty good—he reads, likes chocolate and to travel, and plays sports.

Dave from MM checked back in. My last email to him experienced some trouble going through, so I don't know when he received it. He wrote about his shock over the turn the Cubs took this week, the abuse The Fan is getting, and his dire predictions for the Bears. He seems nice enough, and writes adequately, but we're not moving forward at all, as far as revealing info. And yet, I'd be up for meeting him. Why bother continuing these meaningless emails? Let's just get a drink and get on it with it or not.

I'm feeling the same way about Hank from Match. He's unclear on how to proceed, claiming to be new to online dating:

"Do we just keep trading e-mails, do we trade phone numbers, should we just both go running on Saturday morning, and see if we can pick the other one out on the path????"

I'd like to just say let's meet for a drink. I'm a little sick of the emailing process right now, I guess.
***
I did go ahead and email Hank, and he's replied. Turns out his name is really Barry, which is a bit of a letdown. OK—a bummer. That's a terrible name. He seems like a good candidate, though, and responded with some substance, so I've replied and included my phone number. For some reason, I'd like to get on with meeting him, rather than engaging in emailing. I feel the same way about Dave, although he doesn't necessarily impress me as a strong candidate.

I went over to MM to review Dave's profile and noticed some new mail had arrived. My first reaction was "Ugh—I don't really feel like dealing with this now." Then I realized it's a reply from one of the guys I contacted yesterday, MARK784. Pretty short response, only two lines. Of course, one of them is "you are very interesting and very sexy …" Flattering, yes, but not a lot to work with, in terms of responding to him. It's funny—I realized while shopping in MM yesterday that I'd seen his profile before but never opened it because the primary photo showed him posing by a car. He's changed the primary photo, to one of him piloting a sailboat. More importantly, he loves to travel, learn, and play sports. I'll get back to him later or tomorrow.

Dave's profile, while not stunning, has some good points. I think I will propose a drink. I just don't want to continue with these useless exchanges. Shit or get off the pot, as they say.

Well, what do you know? I just received an email from Ray. I took a chance and re-sent him an email from last week, using his Emode address instead of his personal address. He says he sent a couple emails to my address but never heard back. That's a good feeling. He continues to make me laugh. Maybe we can get something going here, now that my schedule is so much more open.

And I just received Tom's response:

"Hi Barb...Hey thanks for your inquiry. I guess that because it seems like you and I are so busy with other things that we just sort of lost track of each other. I really enjoy writing to you and hearing about what has been up. As far as doing research about what makes people lose their spark with each other with the online thing it can be a myriad of reasons. I said from the beginning that I was not really into sports and even though you displayed a sense of well-roundedness with other interests I guess I thought that you had alot going on with all of the Cubs games and other activities. I know that I just seemed to drop off the face of the earth but I guess in my heart I knew that maybe I would not be the type of guy to hold your interest. You really do seem great, I liked your photos and your love of life and so I also wish you good luck in finding someone special. And by no means am I saying that I would not like to still chat sometime or even meet up and grab a drink. I am also very interested in finding out what motivates people to do what they do (especially in courtship type rituals) and so feel free to call me or drop me a line anytime !!!

fondly, Tom"

I'm not sure what to make of this or how, and if, I should respond. I liked that he wasn't all that into sports, but I did wonder if it'd be a problem. I have lots of other interests, but the timing was poor, as far as demonstrating those. And he did inquire about Cubs things in his emails. I think he could hold my interest, but does his doubt about that ability indicate a lack of self-esteem, or maybe an unwillingness to exert much effort? I guess I just hate to blow this off completely after enjoying our emails. A drink couldn't hurt, right? I mean, why not? But maybe he's only being nice—he seems very sensitive and considerate like that. Maybe he's sugarcoating it. But he could have done that without the line about feeling free to call him or drop him a line.

To be honest, I wanted to test the whole "opposites attract" thing with him, and see if other factors can be more important than mere interests. And he did come off as such a nice guy (maybe too nice?), so I was interested in how that would affect me. I thought it could help me become a better person. That's assuming we made it past the audition phase, of course.

I'm still curious … Shouldn't I be taking this opportunity to meet different types of people? Maybe that's why I've never found anyone, because I don't look outside my so-called type. I think I'll mention that in my response. C'mon—was there really any doubt whether I'd respond?

"Hi, Tom--Thanks for your candid response; I expected nothing less!

I guess I understand your concerns, but I do think timing was bad, as far asme coming off as sports-obsessed. I was aware of that risk, but what can Isay--it was a very exciting, perhaps once-in-a-lifetime, stint for Cub fans.Regardless, I knew when I first emailed you, and as we continued emailing,that you weren't necessarily the kind of guy I traditionally seek. But Ithought it'd be a good thing to expand my horizons beyond my so-called’type.’ I mean, hey--where was that getting me? I'm still single, right?I've got people I can go to games with, but not many for more arts-orientedthings or just a nice dinner for two, at home or a restaurant. Plus, Ireally welcome the opportunity to learn new things and broaden my interests.Sometimes that requires new people.

For example, one of the best times I had this summer was at a class at acooking store where we sampled different wines and grilled foods and learnedhow to match them. I went with the guy I was dating at the time; otherwise, I probably wouldn't have been able to find someone to go to such a thing on a Friday night.

And, ultimately, you just seemed like a really nice guy. So, if you're stillup for it, a drink sometime might be worth a try! If you're too busy and/ornot interested, I can understand that, too. Either way, best of luck.

Barb"

While reviewing Tom's profile, I saw a response in my MM mailbox from OREGONGUY853, an anti-Bush guy who lives nearby and likes sexy tomboys. He said his schedule is crazy for 10 days, but he is interested, so I should please stay single until he gets a chance to write. I think I can arrange that. As I responded, I don't have any trips to Vegas planned.

Ray and I exchanged a few more emails this afternoon. On a scale of 10, how sad is it that I'd meet Ray, Tom, or Mike for a drink tonight? Even after turning down plans to meet some friends for drinks.

Barry responded again and is ripe for meeting sooner rather than later. He was funny about it, too: " … my mother may go nuts if I don't introduce her to a girlfriend sometime soon … Woo-hooo! I got my first girl's number on Match!" I don't know why I'm showing no hesitation about giving out my number. I guess I figure it can be found easily enough anyway, as evidenced by Greg's impertinence. Kidding.

Oct. 16: Me and the pot smoker

So the Cubs' season is over. I feel disproportionately despondent today but am trying to keep things in perspective and remember that it's a game, entertainment, not life or death. After the way baseball has dominated my schedule the past month or so, it feels odd not to have any games to plan around, none on the horizon for five or six months. I do, however, have an audition tonight, and I'm glad to have something to look forward to—who'd have thought I'd look forward to one of those?

Mike sent an email this morning expressing the same sentiment: "at least i have a date tonight. :) :)" That's a very sweet thought, although I was a little taken aback by the word "date." I wasn't sure, to be honest, whether to expect just a drink or two, or dinner, but I guess now I can plan on dinner. I hope it goes well, but, with the skittishness of a recently burned Cubs fan combined with the grudging skepticism of someone who's had numerous disappointing online dating experiences, I'm trying to keep my expectations low. I wish I wasn't meeting Mike for the first time after such a poor night's sleep that followed such an emotional evening. Still, though, maybe out of the ashes of the past couple days can rise a beautiful thing … and maybe pigs will fly. Or the Cubs make it to the World Series.

I haven't heard from Tom in more than a week, so that appears to be over (er … stop me if I've said this before). It's so frustrating. His last email made it seem like he was still very interested in meeting:

"Hey Barb, Thank you for the invite !!! Regrettably this is also a crazy week for me and I already have something on Thursday. I guess we'll have to keep trying. I hope all goes well with the Cubs games as I am sure you are enjoying all of the excitement!!!
Take care, and hopefully we'll hook up soon !!!Tom"

I was encouraged by that, but then—nothing. Why? I didn't peg him as the type to just not reply to emails—he seemed too nice. I think I might have to email him one more time and ask what gives.

Nothing new in Yahoo. Emode sent me another Mutual Match email the other day, with 10 guys "who'd like to meet" me. Some of them were repeats from the last one—take a hint, fellas. Two new emails in MM. JIMMY080, however, posts no photo or text, and is only "looking for others to do things with." Nope. KIRBYK492 is 41-45 and lives in Elmhurst, where I grew up, which presents a bit of an emotional hurdle. He also doesn't post a photo, although he says he'd send one (he wrote that he doesn't post it because some of his employees use MM). His profile is okay—he sounds active and normal, and he wants to retire by 55 to someplace warm and then travel. That could be 10-14 years, assuming his posted age is accurate, which I could handle. I'll think about responding. His name is Gary, and he wrote that I have the prettiest smile on MM—how can I resist?

I'm really not seeing much action from Yahoo, MM, or Match—I should go shopping. Not much from Emode, either, but I haven't seen much I like there, anyway.

EH came up with three new matches. One of the previous matches, Tom, has requested communication, but he's 46 and lives in Warrenville. I'm willing to push my age limit up a bit, into the 40s, but 46 is too much. I don't want to be with someone a decade older than I am. Similar points of reference are important to me.

Having updated my initial EH profile yesterday to make clear my feelings on children, I thought I'd just take a passive approach now and let any so-called match contact me if he is okay with that. But I may as well request communication if I feel like it—that can prompt them to look at my profile so they'll know the deal from the start. I've requested communication via the five questions, including the number of kids, from David (33, 6'0”, Chicago) and Richard (33, 6'0”, Lombard). The other match has three kids; I'll reply if he requests communication, but I'm not initiating.

Despite my response in the last round of answers that I fear resentment in marriage because I don't want children, John of Orland Park, who indicated he wanted two kids, continued the process. Our must-haves/can't-stands are fairly compatible (of course they are—there's science behind this!). But now I need to pose three questions, and I'll again include one about kids.
***
I was perched on my exercise bike around 4:20pm when the phone rang. My first thought: "Mike's calling to cancel." I didn't even climb off the bike at first, figuring he could leave a message or send an email. My curiosity got the best of me, though, and I checked the Caller ID, which read "CMC Consulting," with a downtown Chicago area code. I remembered from calling him at work that his company name started with a C, and for some reason I think it's downtown. "Yep," I thought. "No 'date' tonight." Of course, I was wrong, but that gives a pretty good reading of my confidence level with online dating.

Not only was I wrong, but Mike sent me an email around 5pm. I had written earlier that I was glad to have something to look forward to tonight, "not to put too much pressure on you or anything." He replied that he'd prepare index cards with conversational starters. So, it looks like we're on. I'm going to try to think positive thoughts. But I tried that throughout the playoffs, and we know what happened with those.
***
It's a few minutes after 9pm, and I just returned from my audition with Mike. He was stationed at the bar at Charlie’s when I arrived (punctuality—always a plus). He went in for the hug. I started for the handshake, and an awkward embrace ensued. While awkward, it allowed me to render a good judgment of his physique—nice and solid, and he's a couple inches taller than me. He had a pint of beer sitting in front of him, with a tab going, which I liked, and was wearing jeans, belt, and a navy, button down-collar shirt. Good glasses. I thought he was cute, in great shape, and looked a lot like his best photos on Match.

I wore jeans, black belt and shoes, and a black knit shirt with kind of a plunging V-neck. Very shortly after I sat down, I noticed his eyes wandering downward from my face. Quite odd—the ole 34As don't usually attract much attention. Even more odd was that I noticed him looking there repeatedly. Was it the tan line that intrigued him so? The freckles? I don't know what to think.

We sat at the bar chatting our way through a couple drinks, more beer for him and wine for me. He touched my back a few times throughout the conversation, and I tried to lean in so I didn't seem untouchable. We talked at length about the Cubs, of course, and the Red Sox/Yankees playoffs came up, too, especially after that game came on the bar’s TVs. Talked about the marathon (he mentioned spotting his old girlfriend running on a treadmill in a window along the route), sports, my business Web site (he'd checked it out), work histories, hazing in high school and in, unfortunately, college (he was in a frat--ugh), his impending move. He's lived with the same guy for 10 years—a roommate at his age is not a good thing—who just bought a place in North Center, and they're both moving in at the end of the month. He did say the roommate travels a lot for work; he also described him as "the only person I could ever live with." But what about me, Mike?

At one point, I went to the restroom. When I came back, his stool was empty. My first thought? "Wonder if he bailed." He hadn't. I think I've read too many of those chick lit books.

Somehow, we started talking about jury duty. He told me how he'd been called for duty in a criminal trial not too long ago. Good news, though—he was excused because he'd been on trial in that very same courtroom himself.

Turns out old Mikey, the marathon runner who also mentioned toward the end of the evening that he's trying to kick smoking, has been busted, and convicted, for pot possession. A friend from Oregon FEDEX'd him some "weed," you see, and the police arrested him about 10 minutes after the delivery. (It reminded me of when a friend of my brother years ago asked to borrow my dad’s diabetic food scale, telling my mom he needed to weigh Fritos he was sending a friend in the Army so he could affix the correct postage—my mom didn’t fall for it, either.) Anyway, Mike said he had spent that night in jail, immediately launching me through a time and space continuum to my next blood donation, when the technician would ask if I’ve slept with anyone who'd spent 24 hours or more in jail. Not to get ahead of myself or anything—that'd be so unlike me (not).

I was taken aback by this nonchalant tale but pursued it in conversation, in a non-judgmental way, of course. Do you still talk to this guy? Is that a misdemeanor or felony? How did the police know? What was the sentence? It earned him two years probation, which included a requirement that he inform his parole officer whenever he left the state. You know, like on golf outings and the what-not. He said the PO told him not to bother calling, what with “the line of 20 black guys” behind him. He mentioned the year it happened, but I didn't catch whether it was '86 or '96. I have a creeping feeling it was '96. But why should it even matter to me? I've been known to smoke a little of the wacky tobacky now and then—all right, once every year or two. His openness about it makes it appear he tokes up regularly, though. On the other hand, they do say pot smoking hurts fertility, so he's got that going for him.

Suffice it to say, he seemed like more of a partier than I expected, and, frankly, more immature. I mean, 37 and living with a roommate? On the plus side, he doesn't come across as the want-to-be-a-father type. God, the tradeoffs.

He didn't offer to pay for dinner, not that he should, or to drive me home. Of course, I had told him I lived only a few blocks away, but still. Our goodbye included another awkward hug, although I tried to rub his back through his dark brown corduroy jacket to convey positive vibes, and I think he said something about calling or being in touch or something along those lines. He seemed like a nice guy, probably fun, possibly kind of nervous (maybe just a fast-talker, a bit like a hyperactive puppy), and we definitely had some laughs, but I'm not immediately drawn to him on a non-physical plane. Nonetheless, I'd probably go out with him again if he asked, which is always the big if.

How to follow up? I usually send a thank-you email after an audition, but he didn't pay, so what am I thanking him for? But I always fear that not sending an email afterward sends the signal I'm not interested. The thing is, when you've been emailing daily with someone before you meet him, I think it risks giving the impression you're not interested if you don't continue that pattern after meeting him. But does it seem that you're desperate or trying to rush things if you do email the next day? I think about this stuff too much.

Maybe I'll wait until the weekend and send an email then. We both talked about how we just wanted to do nothing this weekend (other than me going to see David Sedaris Saturday night—Mike knew who he was and said he's read the bit about the nudist colony—Sedaris appreciation is always positive); he said movie rental nights sounded good to him. So maybe wait ‘til Saturday, send the old "it was great to meet you," and ask what movies he's watched so far, how his packing is going, or some such nonsense. I'm so lame—I don't even feel particularly interested, other than physically, and yet I really want to hear from him tomorrow (although he said he has business appointments in the burbs all day). I think I tend to want things to happen too quickly—he could be interested in getting together again but not feel the need to email or phone for a few days or even a week. By then, I’ll long have written off the chance of anything more. My need for quick affirmation is downright embarrassing.

On a different note, I received a reply from hank8686 (39, 6'4”, with the headline "Better than that last guy you dated") from Match and an Icebreaker on Emode from LivingMyDreams, who says I have a great way of expressing myself and I caught his eye because of my great sense of humor. Uh, does that really come through in my profile? I do like his username, though. Doesn't it figure he's 5'6”? I can/should compromise some on height, but c'mon.

Oct. 15, 2003: Kids, kids, kids

Let me start by saying that I'm feeling pretty damn down this morning, due to the Cubs' loss in Game 6 of the NLCS last night. I probably shouldn't even engage in any dating stuff—my mood could taint it.

Feeling the way I do today, the impersonal aspect of EH makes it the most appealing right now—easier to deal with its formulaic setup than with actual one-on-one communications. Let's see—I've moved to the next steps from John from Orland Park and Steve. No response from Chad, after I made it clear I don't want kids. Big surprise.

Following the trend, John has indicated he wants two kids. One of his five questions for me asks me to describe my biggest fear about marriage. There's an option for “other,” where you can write an individualized answer—I took that opportunity to send the message I don't want kids. Specifically, I wrote that I fear "resentment over kids—I don't think I want any."

I'm surprised to hear from Steve, who had point-blank asked the kid question, and to which I responded zero. Nonetheless, we've moved to exchanging must-haves and can't-stands. I think it's a flaw in the system that you must select 10 of each. You might list something that isn't truly a must-have or can't-stand simply to reach 10, and that item could end up being a deal-breaker, before you even begin real communication. Anyway, one of Steve's must-haves is someone who shares his desire to have or adopt children. I already answered that the ideal number of kids for me is zero, so why are we still doing this? Well, we're at the short-answer question point, so I'll ask if he could be with someone who doesn't want kids, and then move on, as I'm sure he won't want to continue. I have to pick two other questions from the list (or I could come up with my own), but I feel like those are just throw-aways—he won't want to continue after the first question, so no need to put much time into selecting the other two.

EH also came up with two more matches—Tom (46, 6'1”, Warrenville) and Rob (38, 6'0”). The most influential person in Rob’s life (aside from family members) is his speech therapist (he actually names him). I like that—it makes him seem open and secure. And he made the effort to answer most of the open-ended questions, which is more than many do. Just the kind of guy who'd want to be a father. I'll follow up, anyway.

What do you know? Steve has already responded, bringing us to stage 4. He's the first guy I made it this far with, so to speak, and I really didn't expect a reply after my short-answer question about kids. Of course, his answer was "I do want to start a family of my own." I find it odd that none of his short-answer questions of me refer to children. How much more clear can I make it that we have different goals as far as having a family? Is he just dense? Instead, he asks me about the most adventuresome thing I've done in the past year, to name my simple pleasure and describe how it makes me feel, and to describe my parent's relationship. I answered the questions but also took advantage of the open-ended nature of the answers to point out that I don't see kids in my future, so he probably won't want to pursue things any farther and wish him luck in his search. Too bad—he looks cute.

I have to say, it irritates me that guys who are 39 or older are so confident they can still have families. At the age when single, childless women start to resign themselves to the fact that they might not have kids and thus might not be able to "have it all," men entertain no such doubts. Must be nice. I kind of want to ask some of these guys why they've waited so long if they're so sure they want kids. Do they have any concerns about being in their 50s or older when their kids are teenagers? Maybe I'm overly sensitive to that situation, having been 12 when my widowed mom turned 50. I was always very aware of having one of the oldest parents in my class, but it's probably not so unusual now. Still, I've never been able to stop thinking it's somewhat selfish to have kids when you're older.
***
Steve responded. To access his response, I was required to click through some EH "rules of the road" for open communication from the service’s founder. It has some interesting points, such as:

· Some signs to consider: Watch out for someone who asks for money, uses vulgar language, asks inappropriate questions, or suggests sexual fantasies. Be careful of those who want to speed up the pace, tell you how to run your life, tell stories with inconsistencies, urge you to compromise your principles, blame others for their troubles or are always speaking romantically.
· We can't stress enough how important it is for you to take your time getting to know your match. Be aware that on-line communication tends to accelerate one's sense of comfort and intimacy.
· It can't be stressed enough that the qualities that determine relationship happiness are not always those we see first. Appearance can seem important and the need for chemistry is critical, but what impacts chemistry in the long run comes from more important qualities than appearance.

Anyway, Steve said he didn't know where a dating relationship would lead us, as he does want kids. He said he's always up for meeting new people and having great times, and he might have some groups of friends I'd be interested in meeting. I thanked him for responding but explained that I have enough platonic male friends and am looking for more right now, although I'm finding the kid issue to be quite a hurdle. I started to share my observation about how men at his age don't entertain any doubts of still being able to have kids but decided against it. I don't want to come off as bitter or a man-hater. Instead, I wrote:

"I know several women in our age range who are coming to terms with the fact that they might not end up having kids now but can still be happy, and thought [hoped?] I might find some men who feel the same way. I guess I'm quite the anomaly!"

And then my usual best wishes in his search, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Mike and I exchanged some emails today, commiserating on the Cubs' loss and chatting a bit about the now-infamous fan who interfered with a foul ball. I should enjoy this easy back-and-forth while I can. After I meet him tomorrow, it may very well taper off or just cease, as I've experienced in the past.
***
It occurred to me that I can save myself and prospective EH matches a lot of time and energy by entering the no-kid thing into my initial profile. So, where it asks for additional information I'd like my matches to know about me, I entered:

"I think it's only fair to let prospective matches know at the outset that I probably will not want to have children. I don't rule it out completely because I've learned not to say ‘never,’ but it's not something I've ever wanted. I think it's possible to have a full and happy life without being a parent, and I'm hoping there are men out there who feel the same way. Maybe you're one of them ..."

I'm hoping to sound happy and optimistic, and maybe even a little flirty with the closing line. (Can you ask for much stronger evidence of my need for remedial flirting lessons, that I think that line might be flirty?) I'm probably sabotaging myself by doing this, but it's the right thing to do.

Oct. 14, 2003: We have contact

Just got off the phone with Mike. It went pretty well, but he struck me as kind of nervous, like an amateur comedian in his first talent show. His profile, I think, says he talks fast, and he certainly lived up to that. These first phone calls can be so awkward, though, and he was at work, which would compound it. We ran into a fair amount of the talking-at-the-same-time conundrum, followed by some uncomfortable laughter. Talked about how I was shot down for donating blood today because of my week-long cold, his lingering soreness from the marathon, where we each live, how he's moving at the end of the month. Finally I got down to things, and we set a time and place for a "meeting"—Thursday, 6:30pm, at Charlie's Ale House. He asked right off the bat if there was a good place in my neighborhood, which is considerate, so that's a good sign.

Several EH emails were waiting this morning, with three new matches and additional communication from two of the three I requested communication from yesterday. The thing is, the initial information EH gives you is pretty sketchy—age, location, height, job, some personality traits, and some open-ended questions that might not be answered. Photos aren't common at this stage, either. You have very little information that you can seize on and get excited about, that makes you want to keep going, other than the service's assurance that you're compatible with the guy.

So, Chad and Steve answered my five questions. They both want two kids. Steve asked about how many kids I'd find ideal in his five questions to me, and I answered zero; I haven't heard back. Chad (37, 6'1”, Schaumburg) didn't ask, and I didn't have any way of conveying that, so he and I have moved on to the next stage—must-haves and can't-stands. Having reviewed those, I then had to pose three short-answer questions, either from a list or devised by me. I chose two from the list and used the third to ask if he'd consider a partner who didn't want kids. That should end that.

Of the three new matches, I've requested communication from Bill (33, 6'2”, Wheaton) and John (34, 6'2”, Orland Park). Apparently, I'm willing to make concessions on location in exchange for youth.

In Yahoo, a new message arrived from tallmensa. Promising username, but he's 47 and lives in Altamont, a town I don’t know. And he takes it upon himself to advise me not to skip having kids. Talk about hitting a raw nerve.

One Icebreaker in Yahoo, from countryboywithhorses, whose headline says he's seeking a country girl. Do I really strike you as a country girl, you 44-year-old from Appleton, Wisconsin?

No action in MM, and I haven't received any emails from Match in quite a while, either. I suppose I should go shopping for prospects, but I don't have the energy right now. I did receive an email from Dave from MM today. Just some Cubs stuff. I'll answer later sometime—he took three days to reply to my previous email, so no hurry.

Oct. 14, 2003: Finally a phone call

Just got off the phone with Mike. It went pretty well, but he struck me as kind of nervous, like an amateur comedian in his first talent show. His profile, I think, says he talks fast, and he certainly lived up to that. These first phone calls can be so awkward, though, and he was at work, which would compound it. We ran into a fair amount of the talking-at-the-same-time conundrum, followed by some uncomfortable laughter. Talked about how I was shot down for donating blood today because of my week-long cold, his lingering soreness from the marathon, where we each live, how he's moving at the end of the month. Finally I got down to things, and we set a time and place for a "meeting"—Thursday, 6:30pm, at Charlie's Ale House. He asked right off the bat if there was a good place in my neighborhood, which is considerate, so that's a good sign.

Several EH emails were waiting this morning, with three new matches and additional communication from two of the three I requested communication from yesterday. The thing is, the initial information EH gives you is pretty sketchy—age, location, height, job, some personality traits, and some open-ended questions that might not be answered. Photos aren't common at this stage, either. You have very little information that you can seize on and get excited about, that makes you want to keep going, other than the service's assurance that you're compatible with the guy.

So, Chad and Steve answered my five questions. They both want two kids. Steve asked about how many kids I'd find ideal in his five questions to me, and I answered zero; I haven't heard back. Chad (37, 6'1”, Schaumburg) didn't ask, and I didn't have any way of conveying that, so he and I have moved on to the next stage—must-haves and can't-stands. Having reviewed those, I then had to pose three short-answer questions, either from a list or devised by me. I chose two from the list and used the third to ask if he'd consider a partner who didn't want kids. That should end that.

Of the three new matches, I've requested communication from Bill (33, 6'2”, Wheaton) and John (34, 6'2”, Orland Park). Apparently, I'm willing to make concessions on location in exchange for youth.

In Yahoo, a new message arrived from tallmensa. Promising username, but he's 47 and lives in Altamont, a town I don’t know. And he takes it upon himself to advise me not to skip having kids. Talk about hitting a raw nerve.

One Icebreaker in Yahoo, from countryboywithhorses, whose headline says he's seeking a country girl. Do I really strike you as a country girl, you 44-year-old from Appleton, Wisconsin?

No action in MM, and I haven't received any emails from Match in quite a while, either. I suppose I should go shopping for prospects, but I don't have the energy right now. I did receive an email from Dave from MM today. Just some Cubs stuff. I'll answer later sometime—he took three days to reply to my previous email, so no hurry.

Oct. 13, 2003: Spinning my wheels

Well, I suspect I've lost Tom. I haven't heard from him since last Wednesday, when he declined my invite to have a drink that Thursday evening. I've emailed him twice since then (Wednesday and Saturday), but he hasn't replied. That's too bad—I really wanted to meet him. I'm not going to send him the "why" email yet, though, instead clinging to some thin shred of optimism that I'll still hear from him.

I did, however, just receive an "unsolicited" email from Mike, which makes me feel a little better. I wish he'd propose meeting, though—we've now been emailing for more than two weeks. I'm really trying to restrain myself from popping the question. Something like "hey—once you recover from the marathon, why don't we celebrate with a drink?" But no—I must be strong.

Back in MM, I still have the message from Mark, with his admission of lying about his age and other observations. I'd actually been considering replying and seeing what happened. But then I was telling Julie about it yesterday and realized how ridiculous that would be. I mean, he lies about his age, he let one relationship end over a mere misunderstanding, and he could be moving within a year. Why would I pursue that? I'm not that desperate yet, but this demonstrates how irrational the process can make you. Or me, at least.

Greg wrote again, expounding on his current issues as a single dad and new divorcee. He said he's trying to get his life figured out and in the meantime "clearly sends mixed signals…I am probably not what you are looking for or need right now." I’m inclined to agree. I'm reluctant as it is to become involved with someone with a kid, and he obviously doesn't have a good handle on the situation yet. I don't want to be squeezed into the sidecar for that ride. Plus, it sounds like he might have primary custody. "I am sorry I dragged you in and gave you any false expectations," he wrote. "I think you are a great person and I wish I'd have met you under better circumstances." Putting aside the fact that we didn't actually meet, this is getting to be a tiresome theme: "You're great, but the timing isn't right." I guess I should take solace in the fact that it isn't "You're just not what I'm looking for in a woman" or "Thanks but no thanks" or “Have you thought about ‘Extreme Makeover’?”

eHarmony sent me some more matches. I'm surprised because I read in US News and World Report that "[t]he matching process is rigorous enough that 14,000 benighted souls who have used [eHarmony] have never scored a single match." In the emails eHarmony sends with matches, it admonishes you to "Remember, a match from eHarmony is not ordinary and does not happen very often." Yet, I've scored eight so far, but I haven't really taken it seriously, in part because I can't see their photos without subscribing and also because it seems like a lot of work (per US News: "Once they're matched, couples spend about eight hours online, during six to 10 dates. It's part of a structured process designed to ease things 'during the awkward getting-to-know-you phase' … "). Six of the matches are over 40 years old, and a few are from suburbs, but they're all 5'11” or taller. One has even requested additional communication—Gary, a 42-year-old, 5'11” trader from Chicago. I should probably go ahead with this. I'm not having a ton of luck on the other services, and $100 won't kill me.

I am wary of the eight hours of online time, though. As Mark observed, there's really no substitute for meeting in person. If you don't have chemistry, you’re not going anywhere, and chemistry online is no guarantee for real life. Eight hours is a lot of time to spend on someone with whom you might have no spark at all, and it's a lot of time to build those dangerous expectations.

Nonetheless, I took the eHarmony (EH) plunge, subscribing for three months. And it turns out that only one of my eight matches posted a photo. Needless to say, he's not the one who requested communication. No, instead, he lives in Naperville. That's pretty annoying. But, for $100 (the third month is free), I figure I should get my money's worth, so I'll "request communication" with three of my matches. That basically entails selecting five multiple-choice questions from a list of about 20 for them to answer if they also want to communicate. I answered Gary's questions, and he's already replied with responses to my five. Not one to play it cool, that Gary.

One of the five questions I chose asks how many kids would be ideal in a marriage: 0, 1, 2, 3 or more. This will probably be the point where communication breaks down with these guys and they take the nearest exit. I guess it's better to find that out at the beginning, but it's very frustrating. Why does everyone want to have kids so badly? I really think a lot of it has to do with conditioning—we're raised to believe that everyone should want kids, that parenthood is necessary to live a complete and full marriage and/or life, and it's abnormal to feel otherwise. What's wrong with just being happy in yourself or yourself and a partner? Frankly, I think that ability may be more indicative of emotional health than an overwhelming need to reproduce.

Anyway, I ended up inadvertently advancing to the next stage with Gary, sending him my list of 10 must-have and 10 can't-stand qualities and traits for my match. What's the point of proceeding, though, if he wants two kids? I need to figure out how to halt the process, so we don't waste our time.

In perusing the eHarmony FAQs, I discovered that it only matches women with men who are the same height or taller. That's interesting, and reassuring.

Making the rounds on the other sites … I have a new message and two new Icebreakers on Yahoo; nothing from Michael (who was concerned about kids) or Scott. The message is from johnpr33, who's 5'8”, "but that's never stopped me before." Yes, well, it's certainly stopped me. On the lame-ass Icebreaker side, sky_waterblue is 53. The other is from ezgoingnnice, who asks, "Did it hurt falling from heaven?" I've heard about lines like that before, but I can't say I've ever been a recipient. His profile says he's 31 and 6'3”. More interestingly, he declares "NO PHOTO NO RESPONSE" for women who email him, despite the fact that he hasn't posted a photo. He goes on to list all the types of women who shouldn't email him, including those who dare take more than a day to respond to his email. "BONUS POINTS for Asian women." Lovely. Think I'll decline to bid on this self-proclaimed "great guy."

Sheesh! Gary from EH has already responded again, with his must-haves and can't-stands. Per the instructions, "Now's the time to be candid with yourself. If you know that you don't fit with most of his Must Have's and Can't Stands, you should let Gary know and end communication now." One of his musts is a partner who mainly enjoys staying in together and having quiet evenings alone or with close friends. Hmm … while I enjoy staying in, I wouldn't say that, when dating, that's what I mainly enjoy. I like to go out to dinner, shows, sporting events, etc. I want to take advantage of what the city has to offer, not stay in all the time renting movies. Granted, I'm probably overreacting, but we already face the kid issue and, to a smaller degree, the age (42). I need to end this.

Hey—here's a nice feature in EH. You can put someone you've been communicating with "on hold," but you have to select a reason why, which will then be sent to the person. That's great—the person isn't left with no clue. I told Gary "I'm just not sure, but I might be interested in communicating later." It's still somewhat harsh, how someone can just blind-side you and end this exchange, but I suppose this is a way of getting the deal-breakers out of the way right from the beginning, before you become too invested through "open communication." Of course, those early steps seem kind of cold and impersonal, almost business-like, and certainly not romantic.

Over in Emode, I ran a search for within 25 miles, 5'11” or more, and undecided or no kids, and harvested a return of 59. This reminds me that I never heard back from SundayMorninFun after my reply to his reply, the only suitable guy I've come across on Emode, I might add. Man—I am finding nothing. I'm trying to be more open-minded about location and age, but the photo is bad, or they post a profile with a lot of blanks, or they don't drink, etc. I'm trying to look at profiles from the perspective of finding a reason to pursue someone, rather a reason not to, but it's hard. I NEED A DATE!!! AND SOME LOVIN'!!! And preferably in that order.
***
Mike continues to refuse to take my hints. In my last email to him, I asked him how he’ll pass time now that the marathon is over and he won't need to dedicate hours and hours to training. He responded with plans for guitar lessons and maybe starting a band with some buddies (how old are you, Mike?). Fine, great, glad to hear you have plans, but how 'bout a drink? Would it kill you to suggest such a thing? Apparently, I'm going to have to take the bull by the horns again; at this rate, I’ll need a good pair of thick leather gloves soon. As I’ve said over and over, I don't want to be the one to make the move, but I don't want to prolong this email exchange if it's not going to progress to the next level. I'm hesitant to risk putting the kibosh on one of the few exchanges I have going right now, but I'm not in this for an email buddy. And he should know that. I mean, we did meet through Match.com, not Buddy.com.

OK—I sent an [I hope breezy] invite:

"Well, before you get the band together and go on the road, maybe we could meet for a drink some time. I've always wanted to be a groupie."

He responded almost immediately:

"I was thinking the same thing. Why don't you give me a call at work tomorrow, or my cell. Let's see if we can talk and set up a meeting. Mike :)"

My initial thoughts: 1) Well, why didn't you ask then, ya clown? What were you waiting for?" 2) "A meeting"? How romantic. But that latter thought is just being nitpicky, I know.

So, I'll give him a call tomorrow. Let's hope he doesn't flake out on me like Greg.

Oct. 11, 2003: The lies have it

After Mark sent me his explanation of why he stopped writing, I wrote back, letting him know that he was wrong about me being tied to Chicago. I added my thoughts about how online dating is ripe for drawing incorrect conclusions. Now he's replied with "a few tidbits" for my book. First, he admits that he lied about his age—he indicated 36-40, but he's really 41. Now there's a sound foundation for a relationship—a lie at the outset. I might easily grow to love someone older than 40, but I won’t easily love a liar. By way of explanation, he wrote that the 41-45 women "by and large are too old looking" and he's been told he looks much younger than he is (which he does).

Mark went on to say that there's no substitute for meeting in person. He's hit it off with "MM gals" on the phone but can tell pretty soon after meeting if any chemistry exists. He mentioned that he dated one MM gal for several months, but they went their separate ways after a misunderstanding, to his regret. Uh … if it was just a misunderstanding, why not clear it up? Did this "misunderstanding" have anything to do with lying?

Finally, he writes there's a certain amount of luck involved in MM, which I suppose is true. "The thrill of MM is you never know when something might happen," he wrote. He concluded by throwing out the possibility of talking:

"Maybe you'd still be up for talking some time & seeing how that goes. Maybe for the 'First Phone Conversation' chapter. Mind you, I'm doing this to help you with your book, because that's the kind of guy I am."

Kind of funny, but I don't think I want to get involved with someone who lies right off the bat, regardless of how anxious I am to get an audition into this text.

In Yahoo, I've received a new message from spankdaddy25. As if the name isn't reason enough to skip the guy, he's only 5'9” and a bad writer:

“I:am a single attracive male looking to meet someone special.to spent time with I like skating moive walking dancing and quit time someone down to earth thats knows what she want. no game playing someone thats honest someone to share my life with some one thats affectionate.”

Think I'll send some shout-outs to Mike, Jim, Tom, and Dave (the one from MM, not Match). I hope Tom hasn't lost interest, and that Mike has been too preoccupied with the marathon to propose meeting.

Oct. 10, 2003: Bearing children

Interesting. Greg's name popped out at me from my Inbox this morning. He denied playing games, explaining that his life is complicated right now as a recent divorcee learning to be a single dad. "I obviously don't have my act together just yet," he concluded. That's what I figured, or at least hoped. It shows some class that he responded, I think.

Mike also has written this morning. He's torn about whether to watch the Cubs game tonight or go to the Keller Williams show at the Riviera. He added that he's growing nervous about the marathon. In my response, I asked him if he'll have post-race letdown, and how he'll fill the gap in his life. I’m hoping he'll pick up the cue and suggest we get together. I'm not counting on that, though. Guys can be so dense. Or just not interested. I prefer to think dense.

eHarmony has sent another match, its fourth so far. But the guy is 43 and lives in Wheeling. And I still haven't subscribed.

One new message in MM, from JONNO175. He's 41-45 and lives in Gurnee. And looks like he might have a mullet.

In Yahoo, I've heard back from dancingchicagocatch (Michael). He had contacted me, and I replied, warning him that 1) I'm not much of a dancer, and 2) I'm not interested in kids. I'm surprised to hear back at all, but somewhat impressed. Unfortunately, he says he definitely wants to be a father some day, although he's in no hurry. He wonders if I'm just not sure or if I definitely don't want kids. And he wonders how I feel about adoption, if my feelings are just limited to "bearing children"—how funny. This obviously isn't going to go anywhere, but I owe him a response:

"Hi, Michael--Thanks for your response and your candor. You certainly deserve the same.
Unfortunately, I really don't see motherhood in my future. I don't check ‘definitely not’ because I don't really believe in saying ‘never’ about most things. I've learned that you just can’t know what turns your life will take. But I don't think the odds are good--parenthood just isn't something I've ever wanted. Who knows? Maybe I'd love it and even be good at it, but I don't think so.

Best of luck."

Oh, well. I knew this type of thing would happen.

Oct. 9, 2003: Making assumptions, expanding options

This morning starts with another email from Jim, with some jokes based on last night's Cubs game. We are so not-going-anywhere. Our emails are very superficial and jokey. Jokey is good, but we aren't getting to know each other. Nonetheless, I'd probably agree to an audition, although he seems like he's too into "partying." Nothing against that—God knows I did my share—but I'm past that stage now and don't feel like sliding back into it.

I emailed Mike about the game, which he was also attending. He had sent the last email yesterday.

In Yahoo, I have a message from Scott, who I wrote off yesterday, prematurely as usual. I really need to relax on that rapid response thing. A decent enough email—an update on what he's been up to and some questions about my work. He alluded to the fact that he works a lot on weekends. But let’s not jump the gun and worry about that yet. I'll reply a bit later.

I've also received a message in Yahoo from davec2254new, a 36-year-old divorced lawyer. From his profile, he's been in two long-term relationships (eight and nine years). In his email, he jumps right to the invite to get coffee (he doesn't drink). I probably won't pursue this one.
***
Mark from MM answered my question about why he stopped writing, and his honesty was impressive and refreshing, especially in the online dating arena, where honesty can be as rare as a good movie featuring a former Saturday Night Live star. He replied:

“Hi Barb,
Good question. Maybe it's more a matter of my insecurity than anything. You
said you had a good career change for the better. Unfortunately I'm not in that boat to freedom. With my job I'm not sure if I'll be around within the next year or not. Kind of puts a damper on wanting to meet new friends or best of freinds given that scenario. Sorry if that doesn't make sense to you. You seem to be a happy Chi-town gal. I'm kind of in limbo, so I didn't know if we'd compatible in that sense.
Mark”

So, in an off-kilter kind of way, he was actually being fairly considerate, not wanting to lead me on if he's going to be relocating. It demonstrates one of the inherent flaws in this whole system—it so much lends itself to jumping to conclusions. Mark, for example, assumed that I'm tied to Chicago, which I definitely am not. I'm tempted to tell him that, but I don't want to come off as desperate and it's not like we had any online chemistry going on. (Still …) Anyway, I assumed that he found something about me unappealing; the possibility that he's not in Chicago for the long haul didn't occur to me, even though he obviously moved for his job before and his profile indicates his reason for subscribing is "Just curious."

I also have a response in MM from JETBLU, who I emailed yesterday. He's a Sox fan but not an anti-Cub one—he even claims to be pulling for them to take it all this year. Not a lot of info from this new Dave, but it's a start. He opened with "Wow … you sound like well-rounded person." Not exactly sure how to take that.

I've read in a couple of places now about another service called eHarmony, which was founded by a psychologist and is based on the idea of finding "broad-based compatibility," according to Time magazine. eHarmony only pairs people it has determined have at least an 85 percent chance of being happily married (to each other, I assume). The determination is made based on a 480-question test. I tackled that yesterday, and it took almost an hour just for the initial set of questions. That didn't include answering the standard profile questions. The service already sent me three potential matches, but you can't access photos without subscribing, which is $50 for a month. And it won't let me close the age window beyond 33-47. There's also no height criterion. At this point, I'm undecided about whether to subscribe.

Already heard back from Dave—not much substance again but some length. I'm not sure how the Cubs thing is working for me. On the one hand, it's an interest most of these guys are happy to seize and email back and forth over; on the other, it might be making it too easy to continue exchanges without having to divulge any real info.

I was talking to my friend Julie today, who mentioned that another friend, Maggie, sent her an invitation to join Friendster. "Why would she invite me and not you?" Julie wondered. "Maybe she thinks I already have enough going on online," I replied, even though Maggie doesn't know about how expansive my current experiment has grown. When I returned to my computer, I had an email from another friend, Margie, who Maggie had turned on to Friendster, and who had taken it upon herself to send me a potential match. This is just what I need—friends pimping online for me. Can I stoop any lower? And do I really want to know what my friends think I'm looking for in a guy? Or, worse yet, what I can offer a guy? Ouch. That sounds terrible. Like some sophisticated type of slambook.

At least they'd know to pick people who are tall enough (although Friendster apparently doesn't list that). Emode keeps trying to hook me up with guys who are 5'6” or 5'7” or even 5'4”. I guess I shouldn't blame Emode—I think these guys are initiating the contact, through the wimpy Mutual Match feature. Speaking of Emode, SundayMorninFun hasn't replied.

One more from Jim—just some jokey stuff and we'll type again after the weekend. Blah, blah, blah.

Oct. 8, 2003: Fast cars and missing shirts

As I knew I would (and pathetic though it was), I checked my email when I got home last night, past midnight, hoping for word from Tom. I haven't heard from him since his email of Sunday night, when he asked for a good time to call. I was hoping for a positive response to my suggestion of meeting for a drink tomorrow. No such luck.

I did have emails from Mike and Jim. Short, breezy, and Cubs related, but emails nonetheless. I responded to Mike this morning, and I've heard back from him again. We’re not exchanging anything substantive at this point; we need to close the deal on an audition soon. He's running the Chicago Marathon on Sunday, so maybe after that.

I sometimes assume I'm not going to hear from people again too soon. I forget that not everyone is online, with immediate access to personal email, as much as I. And things do come up in people's lives; their online dating isn't necessarily a priority. One promising guy from Match, for instance, left me hanging for several days after a couple very enthusiastic emails. When I eventually heard from him, he said his company had been undergoing staff cuts and he might well lose his job, so he couldn't focus on dating right now. Totally understandable. He was obviously a keeper, though, because I don't know that most guys would have bothered explaining. A lot of people regard the anonymity of online dating as a get-out-of-jail-free card that shakes them loose of the confines of common courtesy, with no fear of reprisal or recrimination.

Nothing new in Yahoo. So much for Scott, I guess. Never got that photo from spiderman, either. And, not surprisingly, nothing from Greg. What the hell—he sends me an email Monday, proposing getting together (for the third time), that very night. I accept (for the third time). He bails (for the third time). And then that's it. "Relationship" over.

Also nothing new in MM. Mark never replied to my question about why he stopped emailing. Maybe he didn't believe I'm working on a book. Can’t blame him.

Going hunting on MM, with 200 profiles meeting my criteria. Oops—that's 200 based on the Matchmeter, not my criteria. The first one I pulled up was 5'6”. Using my criteria, aka Matchmarker, the field narrowed to 59 profiles. One cute guy was a prospect, until I looked at his profile and saw he didn't answer any of the open-ended questions. Can guys get away with that? Do they still hear from interested women, maybe women who like a challenge or think the guy only needs the right woman to help him open up?

Woo hoo!! Just heard from Tom, who appears enthusiastic about my invite, but "regrettably" (his word) he's having a crazy week, too, and already has plans for Thursday. Is it too desperate to respond by saying "Maybe Monday, then?"? Well, I did, although in a less needy and pathetic way, I'd like to think:

“Regrettable, indeed, Tom! I hope things slow down for both of us soon. Personally, I'm feeling kind of flu-ish and think I could use some rest. Instead, I'm chugging OJ and gearing up for yet another game tonight.

Assuming the Cubs win at least one game by Saturday night, my next free night will be Monday. Maybe we can meet up then.”
***
I wonder what goes through the heads of guys who pose for photos with their (or someone’s) cars. Are they showing off, thinking their cars make them look cool? If so, do they suffer from low or over-inflated self-esteem (i.e., "I need this car to make me look cool and get chicks" vs. "With this car, I am just the coolest and chicks will of course dig me"). Are they insulting women, thinking women care a lot about the kind of car a guy drives? A similar question comes to mind with guys who post shirtless photos of themselves—presumably, they think they're buff and the photo will get them more action than a standard, clothed photo and profile, but maybe they think women are just that shallow and want to see what they're getting under the hood. I'm very curious about the effect shirtless photos have on response rates.
***
Unbelievable (again)—Greg emailed, joking about how I know how to reach him if one of my friends "bags" on the Cubs game tonight. Of course, he put in that old disclaimer, the smiley face emoticon. You have to be kidding me. I can't believe he'd even contact me again, let alone try to weasel his way into a ticket, even if jokingly. I'm going to send him the email I composed a couple days ago. That should take care of things.

I have some good email banter going with Mike today, including some always-entertaining and -endearing Bush-bashing. I'm going to hold off on replying to his latest, though. Oh, what games we play.