Nov. 12, 2003: Going over like a Ed balloon

Not a lot going on today. I've been out and about most of the day, but Matt and I managed to exchange a couple emails, initiated by him this morning. Looks like we're on for Saturday night. I have no idea what to expect—drinks or dinner or what? Should I shave? It'd be so great to have a really good date (as assessed after the fact from both of our perspectives) before I go on vacation, leaving me with something to look forward to on my return. On the other hand, that would give me a full week with a lot of time on my hands to start getting way too far ahead of myself mentally, as I so often do.

Ed finally replied. I guess I shouldn't say "finally"—it's not like he opened my proposal and sat on it for a while. He wrote back this morning:

"OK … I'll meet for a drink. Hawaii sounds nice … I've never been … I'm afraid if I went I'd never come back."

Not exactly brimming with enthusiasm. You'd think he'd be flattered and at least say thanks. Do I smell some arrogance? Hmmm—probably too little to draw such conclusions from, but still. Well, I'll see what his schedule is like. I'd like to meet him before I leave, but I don't want to seem overly eager. His line about not coming back, though, gives me some basis for proposing we get that drink before I head to Hawaii, just in case. His lack of enthusiasm doesn't bode well—it'll surely be a one-and-out.

EH has been awfully quiet. Just as well, maybe. I read an article yesterday that referred to EH as a Christian-based dating service. It caught my attention because I hadn't gotten that impression at all. Minutes later, I came across yet another article on online dating that reported the "co-founder of EH is a psychologist and author whose books and services are heavily promoted by religious right groups like Focus on the Family." Yikes. I think they'd frown on my no-kids stance.

Tim is supposed to call tonight. I don't really care whether I talk to him or not, but it'll be interesting to see if he follows through or if he's rude.

Nov. 11, 2003: Virtually flirting

Feeling kind of in limbo this morning. Tim replied to my email of yesterday, describing his weekend and apologizing for not calling. He said (in an email he sent around 7:30pm, mind you) that he'd try to call last night, but he never called. I went out to dinner with friends but hoped to find at least one call on my Caller ID when I returned home, either from him or from Matt calling to firm up our plans to meet for a drink this week. Nada. Before I saw Tim's email, my first thought was that he probably talked to someone who knew me at MU and didn't have good things to say. Now that I see his email, I don't know what to think. He first contacted me more than a week ago and was pretty enthusiastic, but his enthusiasm appears to have waned.

In MM, Ed hasn't replied to my last-ditch effort, but he hasn't read it either. Thank you, MM Big Brother feature. In EH, Robert closed me out, presumably after finally grasping I was serious about not wanting kids. Roger has left me hanging. I wish he'd either move us to the next stage or just close it down.

I just heard from Matt, and his only open night this week is tonight and even then, he'll be in a meeting until 7:30. Getting past the Rules violation, which I don't actually care about, I'm not feeling that great, and I generally prefer earlier outings to later (how old am I that I consider 8:pm later?). On the other hand, I'd really like to get a second meeting out of the way before I leave town. I don't want to give him time to lose interest, and, if it turns out I'm not interested upon another meeting, I don't want to waste any time wondering about what might happen next while I'm on vacation.

I also just heard from Tim, asking if I'm around tomorrow night, for a phone call, I guess. He has a business dinner tonight and claims to have all-day meetings at work all week. So, if I go out with Matt tonight, I can get that out of the way, and allegedly talk to Tim tomorrow night. I guess I'll give Matt the thumbs-up for tonight.

A new email arrived in MM, from BMALE417. He's only looking to make friends, according to his profile, which also says: "A person who is single and/or involved who would like to establish a friendship. Anything beyond that would be spontaneous and unplanned." It gets weirder, though—in the email, he addresses me as if I'm a couple ("You guys sound great!") and says he is looking for a couple to hang out with him and his lady, who are a professional couple interested in adventure and spontaneity. I think we have some crossed wires (and not in the kinky way he's after).

Another email from VERYSECURE991, again asking "can we meet for dinner or drink sometime?" This is the third time I've heard from this guy, with the exact same message each time—time to block him.
***
Matt and I aren't meeting up tonight after all. He said he was afraid his meeting would run late and he's not the kind of guy to leave someone waiting in a bar for him. Honestly, I'm relieved that I don't have to go out tonight. I've gone out the past five days and long for a night off. I also don't feel at all like drinking. It struck me at first as considerate that he was worried about his meeting running over, but it wasn't long before I started thinking maybe I'm just being naïve and he's really not interested. I looked at some of his emails, though, and he specifically mentioned that he really wanted to see me again before my trip ("I do very much want to see you before you head off to Hawaii"). In a hasty decision, I emailed him that I'm eager to see him before I leave, too, so maybe a drink or a bite to eat this weekend. He seems up for that, and pointed out that it's a good sign we're both so eager to get together again ("almost a kind of spark feeling to it"). So that's where we are, and we've been emailing the rest of the afternoon.

The emails have strayed a little toward the flirty side:

Me: Have I mentioned that I like to make dinner for third dates?
Matt: Can we just call this next encounter our third date?
Me: No home cookin' for you yet. That must be earned.
Matt: So I have to earn it, eh? Well, I have my ways. Sorry, I am frisky today.
Me: Don't use up all that friskiness at work …
Matt: My friskiness rarely gets used up. Keep that in mind for future reference.
Matt: So, whacha wearing?
Me: [lapsing back into the real, overly cautious me] I work at home ... I don't dress for work. Well, not alluringly, anyway, unless you like women in running clothes and old cardigans. Sexy, ay?
Matt: Hey, trust me, running clothes and an old cardigan can be very sexy. I love women when they are dressed down. Especially ones with great bodies such as yourself.

Now, see, that's the kind of comment that makes me recoil (and not just figuratively), not out of disgust but from discomfort. I'm not offended—it's a compliment and I don't think it's particularly lecherous or anything. Thirty-six years old and I still don't know how to accept or respond to a compliment, especially regarding my looks. If I just say thank you, for example, isn't that the same thing as saying, "Why, yes, I agree. I do have a great body"? My first instinct is always to make some kind of sarcastic and/or self-deprecating remark to change the subject (“Well, clothes hide a lot. That’s why they say clothes make the man.”) or, worse, to dispute the flattery (“Yeah, right”), which is poor form, rude, and likely a turnoff to the flatterer. With email, I have the luxury of thinking about my response, but my thoughts still immediately lead me to want to crack a joke. So, I ducked the compliment:

Me: Well, that's good to know. Are you one of those guys looking for a woman who's as comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt (you can substitute "baseball hat" for t-shirt here) as in a black cocktail dress?

I explained that my username is essentially an inside joke with myself about those guys. Taking him into my confidence should count for something, right?

Matt: Very nice inside joke ... I LOVE a woman in jeans with a hat on. One of the sexiest things is a woman wearing a ballcap with her hair pulled through the back. Wow. I love that.

I wonder if he loves it when the hat is merely camouflage for unwashed hair. Somehow, I clung to the ledge and resisted asking him that. Instead, I brought the exchange to an end for the day.

The difficulty I’ve had scheduling a drink with Matt and just a phone call with Tim reinforces my sense that I shouldn't bother shopping with my trip so near and Thanksgiving close on the heels of my return. Even though I'm taking my laptop, how pitiful would it look to be checking in with online dating while in Hawaii? No, better to wait and embark on a fresh start when I return.

Nov. 10, 2003: Separating the wheat from the chaff

I was mildly disappointed that I didn't get any phone calls last night from potential suitors, particularly Matt or Tim. Not that I actually wanted to talk on the phone with either of them, but I'd have liked the little boost of knowing they're at least somewhat interested. I sent Matt a brief email Saturday morning (responding to one he'd sent Friday afternoon), and he replied today, asking me to write back if I have time.

Over in EH, I haven't heard from Roger since I sent my must-haves and can't-stands. It was so hot-and-heavy there for a while, with our quick-fire responses, but now nothing. He hasn't shut me down, though. How sad that I'm clinging to that. Why do I feel disappointed over someone with whom I haven't even directly communicated? Robert and I also have plateaued at stage 3. He'll probably close me out soon, but that's fine.

Icebreaker in Yahoo. He lives in Glidden (where?), and he's a NASCAR fan. He hunts and restores old tractors for fun. I guess that gives me an idea of where Glidden is—I imagine it'd be hard to work on tractors in the city or even most suburbs. His match? Well, "she must take pride in her sexuality, feel comfortable in a pair of jeans, but looks and feels good in a dress and high heels as well."

In MM, four new emails came in over the weekend, including one from New York and one from Dallas. HARMAN949 from NY, who of course has no photo, wants to know if I ever wake up really horny. What a lovely introduction. His perfect setting to meet someone for the first time is a hotel bar. How ambitious. The Dallas guy (ROBERTGOO673) has written me before and he is indeed GOO-like, plus his email says only "hi," which I think is even less than he wrote last time.

CHIMALE539 writes that my profile is interesting and that "Best in Show" is one of his favorite movies, too. "In fact all the Cohen brother's movies are very appealing to my sense of humor." Not to be too much of a bitch, but it's not a Coen brothers' movie—it's by Christopher Guest. He's 51-55 but assures me he's been with many women much younger than himself. Not appealing, friend.

NAUTORSWAN453 lives in Springfield and posts no photo. What more is there to say?

Oh, brother—just when I delete Mark's messages from my MM Inbox (again), he returns from the dead. My last message said something about how I'd be the judge of how much of a man he is "if we ever meet." He replied "OK, you can let me know," with an emoticon, of course. Forget it, buddy. If you can't pick up such an obvious cue and run with it, I don't have any use for you or this feeble exchange of one-line, non-substantive emails.

Matt asked via email when I'm leaving for Hawaii. I thought that was a good sign—i.e., maybe he'd suggest getting together before then. And he did—"we should meet up for a drink before you go." He's doing everything right, taking cues and showing initiative.

We’ve been emailing back and forth a bit—nothing too involved. He mentioned that he's interested to see if we'll have sparks, because the conversation is obviously there. As I told him the other night, I think his attitude, which is quite welcome to me, is unusual for guys. He agreed that so many guys will just drop it if sparks aren't evident on a first meet-and-greet. I like that he's what I consider more realistic, as well as willing to put a little more time and effort into seeing whether sparks might develop, instead of calling it quits immediately.

So, he's supposed to email me later to let me know which nights he's available this week. I've already told him I have plans to attend a wine tasting on Thursday night but am otherwise free (except for tonight, but I couldn't accept an invite for a drink in the same day—what would The Rules girls think?). I almost wrote him that the earlier in the week, the better the chance for sneaking in a second date before I leave for my trip. (I'd already explained that we've yet to have a first date, only an audition.) I held off, though. That'd probably be too much.

It's been a while since I've gone shopping on any of the sites, but it seems silly when I'm going out of town so soon. I'm bringing my laptop, but I can't exactly correspond with someone from Hawaii without looking like a total loser. And I know better than to think I can start up an exchange with a guy and hold his interest while I'm incommunicado for a week.

Odd email in Yahoo. He doesn't have an actual profile but instead gives a link to a photo (in which he looks older than his claimed 42—could be the beard), and then proceeds down the list of categories included in the standard profile form and provides his answers. He's a geologist and owns his own house, but he doesn't say where. He smokes if someone with him is smoking—succumbing to peer pressure at your age, John? He doesn't have kids but would like to have a family. He does nothing for me.

No action going on in MM right now, so I figured I’d take a leap and send one more email to Ed:

"Hi, Ed--I'm off to Hawaii next week but wanted to touch base and see if you might want to meet for a drink sometime. I don't usually cut to the chase like this, but so much of your profile jumped out at me. I figure it can't hurt to take a chance!
Barb"

Desperate? Pathetic? Probably, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. And really, what have I got to lose? I've been rejected so many times during this exercise that my D&D (dating and desirability) self-quotient can't dip much lower. And his profile really was striking for all the things that caught my eye:

· Willing to try new things
· Good at appreciating sarcasm
· Would like to learn more about cooking
· Wine drinker
· Values that tend to veer left
· Irritated by people who stand on escalators, suburbs other than Evanston and Oak Park, and unclosed shower curtains
· 12 years of Catholic school
· Likes brunch and films on Sundays, tennis, Frisbee, and anything involving water, as well as REM and reading
· Wants someone to do things with on Sundays and talk philosophy with over wine

Plus he's a college teacher and lives in the area. It's like I wrote it myself, to describe what I'm looking for in a match. Knowing my luck, though, he also has always yearned to be a father. OK, OK—it wasn't necessarily that bad to email him one more time but detailing how perfect he is for me—that's pretty much vaulted me over the border and full into Pathetic Land.

I received an email from an Emoder who takes an interesting approach. Although he writes in his profile that he believes the glass is always half full, his email doesn't demonstrate that perspective at all: "I'm not having any fun what so ever. In to words, this blows." Not that I don't agree at times, but that's probably not a good way to attract women.

Nov. 9, 2003: Slow Sunday

Big EH weekend—another match came in (but he's 42, with kids, in LaGrange) and Robert in Elmhurst moved us to stage 3. I replied, but my must-haves made reference to no kids, so it should end there. Haven't heard back from Roger yet. I don't think I will.

I also received an Emoder email yesterday, from smiley_dave. He's 5'9” and wants kids (and, in fact, mentions children repeatedly throughout his profile). Additionally, he's into sci-fi, Dr. Phil, bonding/sharing, clubbing, and good sex (as opposed to most people, who prefer bad sex).

Nov. 8, 2003: Roger that!

EH provided another match, Roger, 35, 6'0”, a management consultant from Evanston. His profile looks very promising: he believes in "lifelong learning," reads (just read "Nobody's Fool," by Richard Russo, one of my favorite authors), likes sports and arts, shows a sense of humor, mentions both NPR and Letterman. I went ahead and requested communication but wasn't very optimistic. But he's already responded. And answered that 0 would be the ideal number of kids!!!

For my other four questions, he opted for the fill-in-the-blank answer option, which is cool. It shows some initiative and creativity. For indoor activity, given the choice between bowling, cooking, shopping, or a video, he suggested cooking dinner together and then a classic movie—that works for me. His idea of adventure is deciding on a Thursday to spend the weekend on another continent. He laughs 17.3 times per day; "statistics and the way they are reported can make me laugh." And he made his photos available, and I liked what I saw. One shows him laughing, another in a shirt and tie, another out hiking.

Now I feel some pressure about my answers to his questions. For my idea of a romantic time, I wrote: "You, me and a bottle of wine, on a beach, by a fireplace (I've got one—convenient, ay?), under the moon, etc." I'm so saucy! I am definitely putting more thought into these responses than usual. And I just heard from Robert in Elmhurst, too, so I'll have more questions to answer. Roger also asked the question about the kind of schedule you'd like your match to possess; I answered that as long as I always look forward to seeing him, schedules can be worked around. See how flexible I am? Or vague?

Turning to Robert. Oh, Robert—he said he'd like two kids. Well, did you read my profile, buddy? His other answers are pretty good—loves to cook, loves to laugh but can be serious when necessary, loves to try new things, chemistry is more than physical. I'll answer his questions but …
I know it's foolish to even think this, yet alone write it (both for fear of looking ridiculous and for setting up a jinx), but I'm cautiously psyched about Roger. I hope we rush through the various stages this weekend and move to open communication quickly. Holy cow! Just looked in my Inbox, and he's replied to the last round already. Well, all right!

Now his must-haves and can't-stands. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Man, oh, man—not only do I think I possess all his must-have qualities, his last one is "I must have someone who shares my desire to not have children." This is getting too good to be true (and yet, I find myself wondering why he doesn't want kids—how hypocritical is that?). Let's see the can't-stands. Holy shit! I just realized our lists, for both must-haves and can't-stands, are identical!

Doh—I just realized I was looking at my lists, not his. Calm down, girlie.

OK, OK, I've settled down. Our lists don't totally match, which would be pretty freaking amazing, but I still think I fit his criteria. Now I need to come up with three short-answer questions. Ugh. I'm copping out and choosing from the EH list: proudest achievement, interest you'd like your partner to share, romantic evening after dating for a year.

Now I’m running out to do some errands. I hope to come home to another communication from Rog, as I call him now.
***
I'm back. No communication from Roger, but he hasn't closed me out either. I thought about some of my must-haves (no kids, need my personal space)—maybe I should tone those down a bit. They might make me seem cold and too independent. Ah, the strategizing. This is all so romantic and fulfilling.

Nov. 7, 2003: The new Ashton and Demi?

I met Matt at Toons at 7:30pm last night, and he'd already downed almost a whole pint of Lite. He said he's usually early—good so far. Actually, though, on the drive down to the bar Wrigleyville, I was questioning why I was even bothering. He's 29, he lives with roommates, he has a goatee—these were the thoughts going through my head. Where's the love?

He was sitting at the bar when I arrived, clad in khakis and a brown plaid, button-down shirt. My immediate thought was "Not my type." His looks did nothing for me—big bushy eyebrows, sticking up like the quills of an alarmed porcupine, were the first thing I noticed (when did eyebrows become such an issue for me?). Plus, he appeared to be chatting up a girl on the stool next to him. He suggested we move to a table but was sure to give her his name before we moved. "Well, that's kind of poor form," I thought, "scamming chicks while waiting for me." As the evening went on, I saw her talking to another guy at the bar, who she also wasn't with. She approached our table as she was leaving, saying, "Matt, I hope it's not presumptuous, but do you have a business card?" "Huh," I thought. "Very interesting." She introduced herself to me as Heather and apologized for interrupting our "date"; while she went to the bar for a pen, Matt assured me it wasn't what I thought. "What do I think?" I asked, laughing. Apparently, she's in sales, and that explains it.

Anyway, back to the superficialities. While his height didn't strike me as overly imposing (I wonder why), his features were overlarge, like on a clay bust from a children’s art class or a Mr. Potato Head, but that included some big, beautiful blue eyes (although his profile says hazel—must have been the wine and smoke). Definitely his best feature.

So, I don't know what to make of him. He likes both sports and arts, he's an actor but has a good day job he loves. He moved here eight months ago from St. Louis with some friends to start a theater company, which has already done three shows but is now on a six-month hiatus to apply for nonprofit status. I've never seen myself with an actor. He didn't come off as vain, but he's definitely very effusive and expressive.

I was a little concerned early on that he was disappointed with me. He came with the mistaken impression that I'm artsy, from my Yahoo job category and my karaoke photo. But I told him how much I enjoyed my arts class in the spring quarter of grad school, and how I wish I had someone to join me for exhibits, plays, etc. I have enough people for sports and bowling already.
He mentioned some book he once read about the soul, and how the soul equals perfection, whereas our personalities are flawed and yadda, yadda, yadda. He seems into spirituality (a fallen away Catholic, with 12 years of Catholic school, which pales to my 19), and that isn't really my cup of tea, yet we more or less agreed about organized religion—i.e., it's more important how you live your life than whether you make it to church every week. He definitely seems more, I don't know, existential than I am, but women want men in touch with their feelings, right? He said he liked my profile because he could tell I don't settle (I immediately thought of Andy), that I take action. It's pretty obvious he's the same way.

I don't think I necessarily would have pegged him as being 29—he didn't seem significantly younger than me or my friends (which probably says more about us than him). There is the whole roommate issue, but maybe that's a temporary arrangement. Still, as I was on my way to meet him, I thought about how I acted at that age, and how I spent hours and hours in bars every weekend (not to mention during the week), and how I would hate to slide back into that lifestyle. I have no problem spending time in bars, but it's not my primary form of entertainment these days. I ended up mentioning that to him, but he's not that type, which is good.

So I don't know. We talked about a lot of stuff—families, histories, jobs, sports (he's a Cardinals fan and doesn't like hockey—bad, good), Mexican food, customer service at restaurants, online dating, how you can't necessarily judge someone from one meeting. I mentioned how I enjoy getting the email exchanges going, within reason, but he pointed out that those can be even more enjoyable when they go on after you've met, leading me to believe I'd be hearing from him today. And he did outright ask me if I'd "do this again," and I said I would, which I wouldn't necessarily have thought in those first 10 minutes or so. He walked me to my car, very gentlemanly, and we hugged good night. (I’ve since read that you shouldn’t let the guy walk you to your car, lest he memorize your license number. And what? Screw with my DMV records? Some of these precautions sound like they come from my mother.)

He definitely has a good personality, a happy personality. He stressed that he doesn't need someone else to make him happy, but he'd like someone with whom he could share his life. He's also willing to take positive steps to make things happen, which is a trait I admire and find in scarce supply. He's taking cello lessons, for God's sake, and wants to enroll in a sculpture class. That kind of thing might worry me if he didn't have a real job, but he's avoiding stagnation, trying new things and meeting new people, and I respect that. So he's not my type, but I do feel somewhat drawn to him. Of course, that could be because I'm fairly certain he'll ask me out again (although I thought that about Ray, too, and my Ray-dar proved qu Playing mind games with myself, I predict that ultimately I won't turn out to be his type. I'm probably too reserved, too much of a stick in the mud, but I admire his "life is for living" attitude, balanced with a sense of responsibility (read: "real job"). It's funny how utterly confident he was, "POSITIVE," to quote him, that I'd like what I saw. He's not a particularly good-looking guy, not in the conventional sense anyway.

When I got home last night, I saw Tim had called. He left a message, and I liked his voice—strong and confident, not like a salesman. I called him back but left a message for him. I'm hoping to talk to him this weekend.

Matt and I have already exchanged several emails today, and, uh oh, he made a reference to dancing. I established immediately that I don't dance, but then he made some comment about how he'd been wondering if I was a good kisser. I didn't reply for a while because I was in the midst of conducting a phone interview for an article I'm working on, and he grew worried he'd offended me. I have to admit that comments like that, especially this soon, tend to make me uncomfortable, but I know I need to lighten up and just be flattered, instead of creeped out. So I replied that I've been told I am a good kisser. He says he's been told the same thing, and that kissing is the key to so many things in his mind, and he enjoys it very, very much. OK, OK—that's enough kissing talk for now.

EH sent me another match. Robert is a 6'1”, 38-year-old general manager from Elmhurst. He sounds pretty good—active, a reader, likes to travel and learn and try new things. Most influential person was his grandfather, who he makes no bones about still missing. Likes chocolate, cheese, wine, and debate. I'll request communication, but I'm kind of down on EH right now (and Elmhurst is a turnoff). All my so-called matches want kids. But you don't know if you don't try.

I also have an email from a Match.com guy. He's a self-described 34-year-old "Indian male" (was the "male" necessary?), studying for his MBA at U. of C. He claims to be smart, funny, etc., "and also like to wear the best clothes." Interesting hobby. He doesn't have a photo, and his profile appears to be hidden.

So, clearly Barry isn't interested (I know, I know—that was clear quite a while ago). His failure to respond puts that one to bed. At this point, I'm more irritated than disappointed. Why did he bother calling me to say he'd like to get together again, and then not follow through at all? I realize lots of reasons can come up, many having nothing to do with me specifically, but once you raise the expectation of another meeting, it’s rather rude not to at least send some weak explanation for why it won't happen. How hard is it to send an email saying you've met someone else, or you're too busy to pursue anything right now? Or you've realized you're gay?

And what's the deal with these jokesters Jeff and Mark in MM, the ones who kept sending one- or two-line emails? I haven't heard from either of them since I stepped up to the plate and explicitly referred to getting together. Why do they bother engaging in these annoying exchanges if they don't truly want to meet? Why go through it (especially in Mark's case, being the poor "typer" that he claims to be)? Do they just get a kick out of stringing women along? Do they chicken out?

Another Yahoo guy contacted me—Michael, or wizenhimer678. "I'm interested, you tall drink of water! Would you like to talk?" He looks like he might be cute, but he lives in a far suburb, has a kid who lives with him part-time, he's conservative, and his profile text focuses solely on what he's looking for: “tall, approachable, fun-loving and easy on the eye…not high maintenance.” What about you, Mike? Wait—his kid lives with him sometimes, but he has roommates? Odd.

Nov. 6, 2003: Keeping it short

I received another email from someone who's only going to be in town for a couple days. This one, in MM, is a 29-year-old corporate attorney from San Diego. I do like San Diego … He said he read my profile, and I seem "incredibly interesting. Let's chat and you can tell me about Chicago." Let's not.

That's it for MM—nothing from Mark or Jeff. I did receive another email from Tim. We have a Brady Bunch exchange going now. Nada from Barry.

Matt has sent me three emails since we confirmed our plans for tonight. He's really looking forward to meeting me. Boy, is he in for a letdown. I've warned him it's going to be an early night for me. I think I need to do that to keep myself from spending too much time on these auditions. Even if it seems like it's going well, I need to be disciplined enough to cut it short. If I'm right, that'll leave the guy wanting more; if, more likely, I'm wrong, I'll at least limit my losses.
***
Emode Icebreaker from gsparkleme, or Gene. He's 44, and I can't reply to Emoders anyway.

I'm awfully blasé about my audition tonight. Maybe that's because I have next to nothing invested. Maybe that's best. I'm not expecting much, though. I mean, it'd be great to date someone who's 1) 29 (30 next month!), and 2) 6'6”. But, for some reason, I suspect he's not my type. Not that that will stop me from being disappointed when he's not interested. What to wear? It's pretty damn cold, but I don't like to wear sweaters on auditions—not tight enough. But maybe I'll go with my new green v-neck sweater—reasonably provocative, and it should go well with my eyes. I don't know—who knows what works? Maybe I should stick with the yellow ribbed shirt.

Nov. 5, 2003: Laying out the welcome Matt

Not a lot going on when I logged on this morning. No replies from Jeff or Mark in MM—maybe they didn't care for me throwing down the gauntlet? What can I say—I was weary of the protracted, going-nowhere exchange of empty, one- or two-line emails. So be it. Unfortunately, nothing from Ed either. That would have been nice.

No word from Dylan the Soulful, since I turned over my digits. The girls are coming over tonight for wine, Mexican food, and TV—let's hope he doesn't call then.

A new Yahoo email came in from a guy named Matt. He's only 29 but assured me he'll be 30 next month—hey, buddy, it's not a problem for me if it isn't for you, especially since you're 6'6”. He describes himself in his email as "tall, attractive, fit, funny and passionate," but he doesn't post a photo. He is liberal and not sure about kids, writes well, and we have similar interests; on the other hand, he lives with roommates. Still, it can't hurt to reply and ask for a photo. As he said in his profile, "no pressure."

Surprisingly, Barry replied to my email from yesterday. He apologized for not getting back to me, blaming a busy week. Uh huh. He said he's headed out of town this weekend to South Carolina for a niece's birthday "tea," and asked if I had any big weekend plans. I received the email while at my volunteer gig and didn't reply until I came home. Commented on the running weather in South Carolina, called him a mint julep kind of guy (versus tea), and, most importantly, told him to let me know if he's still interested in getting together. All the subtlety of a brick over the head, I know, but I just want to know one way or the other. No response, no interest. If he is interested, he can drop a quick line to that effect. Simple enough. No fuss, no muss.

A friend just sent me an email about how someone in her office came across another co-worker's profile in Match. Needless to say, they were mocking out the guy. I guess I can't blame them, but I also can't help feeling like that's violating the person's privacy. I mean, it's not easy to put yourself out there like that. Even though it's right out on the Internet, it's still personal information. You're making yourself very vulnerable and it sucks to think about other people laughing it up at your expense. That's why, when the guys from MU emailed me, I just told my college friends about receiving the emails but didn't pass along their profiles or reveal their usernames (my friends are crafty—armed with the usernames, they would have hunted the guys down in cyberspace like hounds after a fox).

Matt has replied already and is cool with sending a photo. He moved to Chicago eight months ago because most of his friends are here trying to start a theatre company. Hmmm … theatre people, I don't know. He also asked if I've had any luck on the service yet. Not unless you count getting yanked around by a confused recent divorcee and a few one-and-out auditions. If his photo is okay, I might just propose a drink right away. The cut-to-the-chase mood is clinging to me like cat hair.

Matt's photo is actually a group shot. He says he's lost 25 pounds since then and promises me he is "POSITIVE" I would be pleased by meeting him in person. Awfully sure of himself, especially for a guy with a goatee and a receding hairline (those two physical traits go together a disproportionate amount of the time, I've noticed). He also wrote the following, which I pretty much agree with:

"My opinion is that if you like my pic, we should meet for a drink. I think there is only so much you can learn through e-mail. I would much rather be sitting in a casual bar over a drink getting to know you. That's the only way you keep from setting up unrealistic expectations and also the only way to find out if there is any chemistry."

So now, about an hour or two since our first contact, I have an audition tomorrow night with Matt. At least it keeps me on my one-a-week pace. And, according to Yahoo, we're each five-heart matches for each other—nothing doesn't match, as far as what we've indicated we're looking for in a match.

Nov. 4, 2003: Feeling ballsy

So Tim has asked my last name and who I hung out with at Marquette. At this point in my life, almost 15 years after graduation, I'm wary of being associated with the person I was while an undergraduate (read: fat, drunk, obnoxious). I did earn good grades, but only my close friends knew that aspect of me. And my housemates (most of whom remain close friends) and I discovered years later that our house was not-so-affectionately known to some as the Drunk House.

They say you can't outrun your past, but you sure can try to evade it. I won't go into detail in my reply (less is more, less is more—must drill that into my head), and I'll just hope he and his friends don't recognize my name. In the meantime, I sent several of my college friends an emergency email to see if any of them remember him. I also looked him up in my yearbook, but he didn't look familiar even though his name is nagging at me.

I just noticed he wrote that he preferred Indiana University, where he received his MBA, to Marquette, so I'm thinking our paths might not have crossed—i.e., he was a geek. I kind of suspected that already, from his pictures and his living in Mt. Prospect. But who knows? We could still hit it off.

Over in MM, Jeff has turned me off some more. I asked him if he ever came into the city, and he said "not much, to be frank … have no reason … trying to find that reason." All right, all right—rewriting it here makes me realize it's not really offensive. He's being kind of flirty and maybe even letting me know he'd be willing to commute in for the right girl. Still, how 'bout throwing out an idea for a meeting place? I'm being a little snarky in my response:

"So I guess we should meet halfway. I think there's a nice bar in Terminal C at O'Hare. Seriously, how does Evanston work for you?"

Let's just get on with this, already.

Ed has read my email but hasn't replied. He hasn't deleted it either, so maybe there's still hope. In hindsight, my reply to his email was pretty blah and wouldn't necessarily inspire me to reply. If I was him, that is. I think I've established how low my own standards are—I'll reply with the slightest bit of encouragement.

As if to illustrate, in a fit of neediness, I dropped Barry a quick two-liner: "How are things going? Great day for a run." Just want to let him know I'm still willing. This will definitely be my last move on that front (I'm so principled!). I'm curious to see if I'll get the pink slip or no reply at all.

Another Emode Icebreaker, from playfulinteresting. What's with these guys? Why can't they just write an email, the big wusses? He has kids who live at home sometimes, went to Notre Dame, and doesn't drink. And he lives in Orland Park.
***
I received a new email in Yahoo, from secretserenader. Poor guy is under the impression that, like him, I'm a professional singer. I guess that's understandable—the closest the Yahoo occupation categories come to my job is Artistic/Musical/Writer (what a ridiculous grouping), and I posted a karaoke photo in my profile. According to his profile, Dylan loves children, dolphins, and whales and to sing to his love interest. Knowing me, I wouldn't be able to keep myself from laughing if serenaded—I'm guessing that wouldn't be appreciated. In his photo, he's sitting and playing a guitar, and his interests include dancing and religion/spirituality. He also gives extra points for a cute voice, not something I've ever been accused of having. It’s clear I'm not this guy's type, and he's only 5'10”, but he does live in the city and like to watch sports, so what the hell. I'll give a metrosexual a try. And he does give double brownie points for women who exercise (mmm … brownies). I don't want to get into a dragged-out email exchange, though, because I know he won't be interested in me after we meet. Shouldn't be a problem—he's one of those guys who proposes talking right off the bat.

Alluding to his profile text about how his match will be someone who likes strolling by the lake on sultry summer nights, I added what, for me, is a flirty P.S.: "P.S. I love sultry nights, especially by the water. Maybe with a bottle of wine?" Risqué, aren't I?

I've also supplied Tim with my phone number. He said he can't call tonight because he has a dental appointment—are we talking root canal or what? How long can a dental appointment take? Should I be concerned about his oral hygiene?

No replies from Jeff, Ed, or Barry. Time to let Barry go. If it was meant to be, blah, blah, blah.

Dylan replied awfully quickly. He sings commercials and loves performing anywhere (really?, thinks my 12-year-old-boy-level mind). Music feeds his soul—I am so not for this guy. But he loves my thought about the "wine/vino" and wants to talk. This is moving much faster than normal for me, but I'm feeling reckless.

Mark on MM also responded. My last email asked him how he was doing with the dating (hey, he asked first). I'd just left it at "Well, I'm still on the site." He replied: "Ditto, I think I’m just too much man." Now that opens up a world of possibilities for my response. "I'm sure you do." "You and every other guy." "I'll be the judge of that." He did, of course, append his signature emoticon after the word "man," so I shouldn't be too hard on him (but he can be hard on me—stop me, I'm on a roll). I'm considering trying to move this to the next level by saying something about me being the judge of that if we ever meet, or something along those lines. Too forward? I'm just so tired of this relentless and pointless back-and-forth.

I guess I'm feeling ballsy right now. I'll dash off hasty and ill-conceived responses to both Dylan and Mark. Mark gets "Let me be the judge of that … if we ever meet …" Dylan gets my phone number, which I've been handing out like fliers for an all-you-can-eat lunch buffet. My mother wouldn't be pleased.

Nov. 3, 2003: Blast from the past

Started the morning by replying to Jeff's implied invitation for an audition: "… a celebration might indeed be in order. What'd you have in mind?"

I'm a little disappointed I haven't heard from Ed. I'm already overly excited at the prospect he presents. I received one email from the guy and I'm already setting myself up for disappointment. Nothing from OREGONGUY either, but that doesn't matter—was I really supposed to sit around waiting for his word? PILOT819 has a photo now—unshaven with a dark mustache. Doesn't change my mind.

Also nothing from the various EHers from whom I've requested communication. In fact, I should check to see if any have closed me down. Yep—Dave, the psychologist who sounded so good, shot me down because "the difference in our values is too great." I'm sure that's a kid-related rejection, but the wording is so harsh. It can't help but come as a judgment: "Sorry, your values are inferior to mine" or "I could never date someone with such low values, and I can't imagine anyone would. You should probably just give up." OK—I'm reading too much into it, I know. But he could as easily have selected the option "Based on statements in their profile, I'm not interested in this match."

Just for the hell of it, I requested communication from the latest EH match, David from Evanston, a 36-year-old financial advisor. He has a four-year-old son, but it's not like any of these guys are interested in me anyway, so it doesn't really matter. I hold out some hope that guys who already have children would be more willing to accept my feelings about having kids—surely, they can be satisfied with what they have, right?

So, back to Big10fan from Match. According to his profile, he's 6'3” and likes travel, bookstores, and sports and is looking for a woman with intelligence and humor. Those, I can provide. He has a master's degree and a good job. Cons—he's conservative and lives in Mt. Prospect. And then there's the two conflicting photos. May as well reply.

Yesterday's Emode Icebreaker came from a 41-year-old in Lake in the Hills. I really am trying to broaden my horizons, but Lake in the Hills won't work for me, especially when combined with his age and his interest in “just dating.” He does seem like a reasonable prospect. Then, again, he used the lame Icebreaker approach. And I checked an atlas—LIH is FAR.

Also got a weird, kind of rambling and definitely repetitive email from a Match fella who's an attorney. He says he lives in Libertyville/Grayslake/Lake Forest, which cuts a pretty wide swath, none of it nearby or very accessible. His profile actually puts him in Gurnee. He gave his personal email address, which includes his full name, so I googled him. He's a partner in a law firm in Waukegan. Among other tidbits, he's being sued by Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance, for extortion because he represented a woman who accused Flatley of rape. She dropped her case, but it appears that Flatley's suit is continuing. Anyway, his email looks like he cut and paste several standard opening messages, all into one message. It starts off normally enough, if boilerplate, but then veers into a long P.S., which includes some nonsense about the Supreme Court and the definition of love. I'm not sure but I think he's actually citing that definition of porn: "I know it when I see it." I eventually looked at his profile, and it appears to be the source of his email text—cut and paste, baby. And he's 5'8”.
***
Just this morning, I deleted all of MARK784's going-nowhere emails from my MM mailbox, and what do you know—today, he writes again. Another one-line answer (with emoticon—his signature style). I'm not going to bother to reply. Or maybe I'll reply with "let's get a drink—this isn't getting us anywhere." But, hey—I'm willing to write. He's the poor "typer," so he should make that proposal. OK—one more one-line reply from me, with no reference to meeting, and that's it.

Mark replied immediately, and with two whole lines—such progress. "How are the dates going?" he asks. I replied: "Let's just say … I'm still on the site. You?" Are we finally moving in the right direction here? Stay tuned.

Two new emails in MM, from MATTHEW262 and VERYSECURE991 (he’s a repeat customer, having first written in September). And two more Emode Icebreakers just arrived. What's going on? Did my profile editing, to downplay my sporty side, make that much of a difference?

I didn't bother changing it in Emode, though. I'm tempted to re-up for a month, although, as I told Ray on our one, fateful evening, he was pretty much the only normal guy I came across on there. Truth be told, I kind of want to do it just so I can email a guy who "wants to meet me," a prospective mutual match. In the small online world, it's someone I recognize, a guy who worked at a bar where I spent an inordinate amount of time in college. I'm sure he doesn't recognize me (but he must have seen that I went to the same college as he), but I recognized him right away. He seems to have lost his mullet (as I have long lost my modified, late-'80s femi-mullet). I'm not interested; I just want to freak him out with "Didn't you tend bar at O'D's?" He's not someone I remember fondly—he was very arrogant and condescending (except for the hot girls, of course, and cool guys) and walked like he had a stick up his ass. He was under the mistaken impression that he was hot shit. He played rugby, but that didn't stop the speculation over his sexual preference.

People change, of course—I certainly have—and his profile isn't off-putting at all. Good photo. I'm curious about our compatibility score (why? it's hardly scientific!), but I can't access that without subscribing. Now, if this was fiction, I'd write him and eventually we'd fall in love. This isn't fiction. And yet …

Back in MM, VERYSECURE is also very presumptuous. "Can we meet for dinner or drink sometime?" Um…how would I recognize you, without a photo? Oh, yeah—you'd be the 5'9” guy of "other ethnic variance" who weighs about the same as me. No thanks. Oh, and his email is SUPERNICE@yahoo.com. Quite the self-promoter.

MATTHEW just wanted to say hi and that I seem quite interesting. He, too, is 5'9”-5'10”, but he's 41-45 and looks older, and lives in Lake Forest. Seems nice enough, and actually referred to a somewhat obscure singer-songwriter I like, but his photo, height, and age turn me off. I'm shallow like that.

Ewww!! I opened one of the Emode Icebreakers, and the guy is shirtless in his photo. That's all I need to see. Buh-bye! The other one doesn't include a photo (a relief after the other) and appears to have checked at least four of the message options. He's 46 and lives in McHenry. I knew there was a reason I cancelled Emode.

So I haven't heard from Barry since his last email. I think if I don't hear from him by tomorrow, I won't hear at all (I catch on fast, don't I?). Lots of possible explanations could account for this—he may have met someone and hit it off, my shine may have faded over time, he may have been put off by my email last week, he might just have decided not to bother. Who knows? He could even think he's insulted me by waiting so long and I wouldn't want to go out with him anyway (if he only knew). Whatever the answer, it doesn't make it any less of a drag.
***
Hmmm. I don't really like Short Jeff's reply to my email where I asked what he had in mind for getting together: "hell I don't know … a few drinks might do the trick." I'm going to assume he was trying to come off as easy-going, instead of scornful, but I think I'll make him come to me for those drinks. I'll ask him when he's in the city. Initially, I figured I would offer to meet him halfway. But no.

I was really visiting MM to see if Ed had replied, which he hasn't. But the MM stalker feature let me see that he hadn't opened my last email yet. Neither has BELDEN, the self-described overweight guy.Tim (big10fan) replied earlier. It's mainly just travel talk, but he did make a Brady Bunch reference, which I caught myself nodding to and gives me a jumping off point for a little humor, not to mention a non-sports topic. I replied with more travel stuff and asked him about college basketball. I told him how I went to MU but don't really pay attention until March Madness. Turns out he went to MU, too. Two Marquette guys in one day—very weird. He graduated the same year as I and with the same major. I'm growing nervous.

Nov. 2, 2003: The eHarmony experience

A rainy Sunday, perfect for the day I anticipate—watching the Bears game, reading the paper, just laying around waiting for Barry to call. I'm kidding (on the square?) about that, but I do hope he calls. I should call Rob today, but I can't muster any modicum of interest. I've gone back to look at his photo, and replayed his voicemail; his voice is unappealingly soft-spoken, like he's calling from a funeral home or to confirm my spa appointment. This is horrible of me, but I'm going to end communication through the EH Web site and say I'm pursuing another relationship.

While in EH, I'm requesting communication with Dave and checking out Eddie, a new match. I also need to respond to the shorter guy in MM who dropped his desire to have kids when pressed (Jeff, I think). Oops—guess I won't check out Eddie—he's closed me out already. Ouch. Well, not really, because he indicated he's pursuing another relationship. Of course, seconds earlier, I checked the same box when I was closing down Rob, for what it's worth.

Two new emails in Yahoo. I'm immediately ready to attribute it to having re-worked my profile, but that's probably jumping to conclusions. Yep—one email is from Yahoo, alerting me that my profile changes have been approved. The other is from big_fella55779, not a promising moniker at first glance. In his email, he says he's 6'6” and 185 pounds (that seems a little on the skimpy side), is 30, lives in Valparaiso, and wants kids. That makes it easy, as does the fact that his profile isn't viewable.

Ah ha!! Thought I'd run a quick search on MM while I was in there, and Rob came up. We've achieved three stars on the Matchmeter, and he satisfies my Matchmarker. He's East Indian, makes $100,000-$150,000, and thinks he has a nice butt. He likes swing dancing, Linkin Park, and Incubus. He likes clean teeth—how unusual. Do you really have to specify that? In five years, he'd like to make an impact on political and social policy. Isn't this the guy who wanted to start a speed dating service? The political and social repercussions of speed dating boggle the mind.

I've already closed him out, so the point is moot, but I feel like I know much more about him now than I ever got from EH. The MM profile info makes it much easier to make a decision. I guess the question is whether this is a good or bad thing. I suppose the EH model works from the premise that establishing compatibility is the most important thing. From there, you work to get to know these other things about your matches as part of emailing, talking, and dating. Maybe that is better—it prevents you from eliminating someone you might be compatible with because of an unimportant quirk like swing dancing. I think EH propounds that as long as you're compatible, you can work around any differences, assuming a spark of some kind ignites. Still, it's hard to generate any excitement for a match when you know so little about him. You're really just putting your faith in the man behind the curtain who determines that you're compatible. And the various services that work from more traditional profiles condition you to expect a lot of information right off the bat, which is why EH frustrates someone like me. We want the information immediately available, at our fingertips, instead of working to pry it out from the person.

Well, anyway, I now feel bad about closing out Rob for some reason, even though I still don't find him attractive. Not repulsive by any means, just not for me. I do feel badly about pulling the abrupt, out-of-the-blue termination, but it's been done to me. That's probably why I feel bad about it—I know what it's like on the receiving end.

Jeff replied—he's preparing to watch football today. I probably shouldn't have mentioned that a large chunk of my day would comprise reading the paper in front of the Bears game, but I'm not feeling inspired and had to write something. He closed with "BTW, u look good!"

I sent a "friendly reminder" (“just checking in—are things still crazy for you?”) to OREGONGUY, who previously asked me to stay single for 10 days. Could turn him off (I'm henpecking already!), but who cares? I haven't invested anything there.

Email from big10fan1 in Match. No photo, but he offered to send one. He really liked my profile and thinks we might be a good match. And he closed with my signature “Take Care.” I'm shooting a quick reply—“Sure, send a photo.”

Ruled one guy out because he's wearing a fanny pack in his photo.
***
Just jumped online to check the football results for fantasy. OK—and to check if I had any lovin' action. I received responses in MM from Jeff and ABSTRACT. Jeff cheered the Bears' victory and then moved right to asking if we should get together: "are we to celebrate this victory sometime?" Now, mind you, he's shorter than me and lives in Schaumburg, which translates to me as all the more reason to cut to the chase, so I'll give him the thumb’s up, although probably not until tomorrow.

ABSTRACT, or Ed, is a 37-year-old college professor living in Ravenswood, less than five miles from me. He's usually on time and looking for a long-term relationship. His profile revealed a lot of similarities between us but not too many—I'm not sure he even mentioned professional sports. He's more into films (regular, not art), which works for me. He's liberal, spent too many years in Catholic school, wants to live in a warmer climate. According to his profile, he has a lot going for him. Him, I've replied to already (he responded to my introductory email), about the climate issue and clarifying my pet peeve of "chronic procrastination," which he had touched on in his email. The idea of dating a college-level teacher appeals to me a lot.

Did I mention Ed included his Briggs-Meyer type (ENFP) in his profile? I can't remember exactly what mine is, but I know it's not ENFP because E is for extrovert, and mine begins with I, introvert. Going over his profile again, I see lots of things I can reference in email, but I think I'll try holding back this time. Let's meet and then talk (although not too much, too quick).

An email also came in from a new guy, PILOT819. His profile is scant, without a photo (he did offer in his email to send one). He probably thinks being a tall pilot who makes more than $250,000 is enough. Not for this cowgirl. Probably.

Big10fan1 sent two photos. He's not particularly attractive or unattractive, but the photos look like they're of two different people. I'll decide how to proceed on that tomorrow. And the Icebreaker from Emode (acre8ivid). I can guess my reaction to that right now.

Nov. 1, 2003: Playing with the profile

I planned to start the day by editing my various profiles. I've decided to de-emphasize my interest in sports. Last Friday night over wine and dinner, my friend Roberta suggested I shake up my profile a bit to experiment and, ideally, generate more material for this project. Maybe change my height or something, I don't know. I don't like that idea much—it doesn't seem fair to the guys who are sincerely looking for a match online. It's bad enough that I'm already using so many people as unknowing pawns in documenting my experiences; misleading them would be wrong.

This isn't the same thing, though. I'm not denying my sports interest—I'm just not highlighting it. At the very least, I hope this will make it easier for me to avoid overly long auditions by limiting our most obvious topics of conversation. I'm also deleting the photo I posted of me at Glacier National Park, adorned in a backwards baseball hat, baggy long-sleeved tee, and elastic knee brace, with hands stuffed jauntily in my shorts pockets. Not feminine or figure-flattering, so out it goes. I thought it would make me look well-rounded and up for anything, but oh well. And I'm adding my kids disclaimer from EH to my MM profile.

But first, I received a new match from EH who sounds really great. Dave is a 35-year-old psychologist (could be trouble, I know) from Chicago. He writes that he's Type A at work but Type B outside of it, participates in sports but is also a voracious reader. He has a cynical sense of humor, and is looking for someone straightforward and direct with wit and honesty. I could do that. His friends describe him as funny, easy-going, hard-working, and intelligent, exactly what I'm looking for. Now, I do realize that profiles aren't necessarily true, and there's always the kid hurdle, but I'll definitely request communication with this one.

It's worth noting, BTW, that I've seen very few response to my requests of matches or requests of me from matches since I posted the kid caveat on my EH profile. Oh, well. It's better in the long run. I noticed an email in Yahoo, while I was over there changing my profile. He's 42, smokes often, lives in Naperville (sometimes with his daughter), and quotes the Bible in his profile. He mentions loving kids twice and describes himself as conservative.

Oct. 31, 2003: Societal expectations and the single girl

This whole exercise is like self-imposed manic depression. And as manic-depressives will tell you, the lows far outnumber the highs.

Last night, after I got home from having drinks in honor of my newly engaged friends, I decided like a fool to check my email. Fourteen pieces of spam, one email from someone I actually know, nothing from Ray, and I feel kind of depressed about it. It's so friggin' ridiculous. I think my despondence in part comes from an inkling that I could very well not hear from Barry again either. That would leave Rob as my only currently "viable" option, and I'm totally ambivalent about him.

I predicted to my friend Julie last weekend that Ray would be an example of how too much emailing builds up the potential for too much disappointment. But I've done minimal emailing with Barry, and I'll be equally disappointed if nothing else happens with him. So how the hell do you protect yourself?

Why does it matter so much, anyway? Is it the nature of online dating or just dating itself, or maybe just human nature, fearing rejection? And how did I get so damn needy? Here's the crux of my situation, really: As someone who's pretty darn happy with her life as a single, is the possibility of having an even better life with someone else (a possibility that grows more remote every day) worth exposing myself to the hurt and disappointment that goes with being rejected again and again (even if it's not always actually rejection of you personally)?

I go through cycles with this. Every once in a while I think, "It'd be so great to have somebody in my life, and, like most things worthwhile, I'm going to have to take proactive steps to make it happen." So I go online and I go through all this bullshit, and then nothing works out and I get bummed out, and I wonder why I've put myself through this and vow not to do so again. "You're pretty happy, so why put yourself in the position to be yanked around by irrational emotions and, more likely than not, end up making no gain whatsoever?" If anything, the only result is a diminished self-confidence.

I think I keep sticking my hand back in the fire in part because it's so soundly drilled into us that we're not really worth anything if we can't find someone to be with us. Society makes it pretty clear that life with someone else is infinitely better than life alone, and if you get the chance, you'd better grab it. And yet, I look around at the married people I know, and, being generous, I'd say one-third of them are happier for being married; the rest seem either unhappy or just resigned. To society, though, they're the normal ones, to be envied, whereas I'm an aberration to be pitied.

The thing is, there's no doubt in my mind that I'm happier than so many of the marrieds I know. I think some of them look at me enviously, at my freedom and my happiness. I mean, my life—from not setting an alarm for the morning to going to matinees during the week—is pretty damn good. But it's not something the marrieds ever considered as a real option, because it's not what society expects. It's not how society defines a full and complete life. What's expected, of course, is pairing up, getting married, having kids, living in a house in the burbs with a minivan or SUV. Out of the fire and into the frying pan, if you will.
***
Maybe I'd be less frustrated after auditions if I took a more business-like perspective when thinking about the "rate of return." In direct mail, a return rate (here, an actual date, as opposed to an audition) of 1 or 2 percent is respectable. Right now, assuming this date with Barry ever happens, I boast a return rate of 33 percent, which would be outstanding in marketing circles. Unfortunately, direct mail isn't quite as personal to you or as risky; a lack of response can't be taken as a judgment on you or your worthiness or appeal (or lack thereof). Perhaps as a reflection on your ability to craft catchy and compelling copy, or target your market correctly, but that's about it. And direct mail is generally pretty inexpensive—not the case with auditions, where the cost per unit can be quite high, financially and emotionally.
***
EH spit out another match—Nicholas, a 38-year-old, 6'5” software consultant in Chicago. I like his profile—he seems to have solid values (although I have no way of knowing what they are, but presumably they're compatible with mine—that's the EH hook, right?), and similar interests and attitudes. He hasn’t answered all the questions, but the ones he has answered show good writing skills and vocabulary (he even uses the work "aplomb," in the description of why his grandmother is the most influential person in his life) and give the impression he knows what's important in life (e.g., freedom and independence, hard work, learning, fitness). Interesting how I'm willing to overlook incomplete answers when I want to but will use the same as an excuse to dismiss someone out of hand. I'm requesting communication from him, but I'm guessing he wants kids.

Yahoo Icebreaker from eyezzof_Ice, who sports a hoop earring and bald pate, and lives in Hobart, Indiana.

First new unsolicited email in MM for a while came from Jeff (ANDMETOO517) in Schaumburg. He's only 5'9”-5'10”, on top of the geographic disability. On the other hand, the Matchmeter gives us a four-star rating. I'm considering giving him a try, but his profile says he'd like to have kids one day. That's a real problem with my MM profile—it only indicates that I don't have kids now. I'm changing it to "I don't want children." Or maybe "I don't have any but yours are okay." That could send the wrong message, though.
***
Just got home from a self-pity afternoon—I let myself take in two movies ("The Station Agent" and "Pieces of April"), then Borders and Cost Plus. Unnerving drive home, what with the hordes of trick-or-treaters and costumed adults lurking about. I found it kind of depressing, to be honest.

It's Halloween night and I'm staying home. That's not unusual. I've never liked Halloween or dressing up in a costume. When you grow up in a constant state of self-consciousness, putting on a costume (the psychological equivalent of yelling "Hey, look at me!") is not your idea of fun. And I have two parties I could be going to—I'm choosing not to. But I feel pretty down right now. Not because I'm home on a Friday night—I'm more than comfortable spending evenings alone and in fact enjoy being able to do so four or five nights a week—but this project is getting to me.

It's not like there's no hope on the horizon. Jeff in MM responded to my coming-clean-about-kids email while I was out, saying he doesn't need to have kids—“they're so expensive.” Plus, he's a teacher, so he works with kids all day. Do I sense some relief on his part? I guess I'll reply and see what develops.

There's also a Yahoo Icebreaker that may prompt me to break my "Icebreakers are from the lame and don't deserve a response" rule. I believe I allowed a corollary that granted exceptions in the case of well-written profiles, and this guy has one. Besides the fact that he's 6'1”, he spent some time writing his “About Me.” Sure, he used the old "comfortable in black tie or jeans" line, but I can overlook that for someone who is "romantic, a gentleman, smart, and athletic," and who demonstrates a sense of humor. Now the downside—he lives in Barrington, and he says he wants kids. I won't let that dissuade me this time, though. His Icebreaker asked "Am I your type?" I'll respond that he certainly sounds like it, but I might not be his type because I'm not really interested in kids. Maybe he'll fold like Jeff from MM did. I'll have to wait to respond to both of these guys—don't want to look like a loser working on this stuff on a Friday night. They can find that out later if it gets that far.

I'm still left shaking my head, though, over how mistaken I was about Ray. Obviously, he hasn't called or replied to my email. Surely, he's received it by now, so I think it's reasonable to assume that things aren't going anywhere with him, especially when we had been averaging an email a day prior to meeting. He hasn't even sent the pink slip. I just don't get it—why spend two or three hours with someone who doesn't interest you or who you wouldn't at least be willing to give a second chance? Why not head out the door as soon as the opportunity presents itself, like when the bartender asks if you want another round? Me, I wouldn't want to waste the time with someone I know I'm not interested in and never will be.

Again, maybe it comes down to my raconteur (read: diarrhea of the mouth) approach to these dates. I mean, really, the type of guys I like would of course have no problem just hanging out and tossing back some cold ones with someone they can talk sports with. As far as they're concerned, once they rule me out as girlfriend material, I'm just a drinking buddy, the same as some guy from the office they don't know well but can kill some time with while quaffing some beers. To me, we're talking for hours to work toward something more—it's an investment. Not so for them. They can talk simply for the sake of talking, without needing it to lead to anything.

Hmmmm—that theory just came to me, but it makes a lot of sense. I'll have to bounce it off a couple of people. But it basically comes down to the same old thing: I have to stop talking so much, if only to stop flushing my own time down the drain. I'd rather spend an hour reading in bed than in a bar talking to some guy I'm never going to see again (there was a time I'd have been happy to have the excuse to hang out in a bar and drink, but those days are gone). Maybe that's very telling, but that's how I feel. Hard to believe I'm still alone, huh?

Well, on that uplifting note, I'm going to shut down for the night. Time to fire up the George Foreman for my boneless, skinless chicken breast and settle down in front of the TV with the paper and some magazines. I'm bummed "Miss Match" isn't on tonight, but I'll find some solace in popcorn (oil, no butter, of course).

Oct. 30, 2003: I was Robbed

Rob got around to calling last night. He called at 10:10pm, but, exciting single gal in the city that I am, I was already in bed reading. I crawled out of bed to check the Caller ID, but it warned "Private Name, Private Number," so I wasn't going to risk it. He left a message, and I know I shouldn't judge by voice alone, but I wasn't impressed—his voice was kind of wimpy. And he didn't help matters by explaining that he'd be up until 1am, so I could call him until 12:30, but if his answering machine picks up, it means he's stepped out and should return in 10 or 15 minutes. Again, I shouldn't judge by that—he could just be nervous. Lord knows I usually am on these calls.

He also sent a communication via EH last night, to let me know his photo is up. I've asked him twice to use my regular email, but no (already hen-pecking … and he doesn't even know about it). More to the point, after all this, his photo doesn't do anything for me. In fact, I think I've seen it before many times in one or more of the other services. His high forehead is sandwiched between short, dark hair, a long nose and thick brows (dangerously close to a unibrow), and he's somewhat swarthy. He looks as if he's Middle Eastern. I don't have a problem with Middle Easterns per se, but they don't appeal to me physically. Aryans don't do anything for me, either. Now what do I do? Do I close it and come off as the shallow gal I probably am? It's not like our prior communications had me hot and bothered to meet him.

While I try to figure that out, EH has found me another new match. Richard is 38 and lives in Chicago, a telecommunications engineer, and has no photo posted. He's left a lot of the questions unanswered, and what he has written is heavily dosed with misspellings, etc. I'll hold off.

I sent Ray a follow-up email this morning, using the Craig's List/Casual Encounters article as a hook. Now I'm wondering if that article might be sending the wrong message—that I'm looking for casual, no-strings sex. Not that that would be the worse thing in the world … On the other hand, I did say the other night how I just don't understand the mindset involved in casual encounters and, hopefully, came off as incredulous about the whole thing (which I am, kind of).
***
5:00pm. No response from Ray. He doesn't have a job, so he must be online at some point during the afternoon, right? This is a bad sign. So much for my instincts.

As for Rob, I feel like I should at least talk to the guy. Maybe he'll crack me up or something. I'm not enthusiastic about it at all, though. I’m going out tonight to celebrate a friend's engagement last weekend, so I can't call tonight. I'll just email him (through EH, since he won't give up his own email) that I'll give him a call over the weekend.

Emode Icebreaker from sirlancelot47. That's 47 as in 47-years-old. Plus, he lives in Virginia and has kids living at home. OK, 47? I mean, my father died when he was 47 and therefore will always be 47 in my mind. I can't date someone my dad's age. That could be a problem if (like it's really an "if") I'm still single in my 40s, but I'll deal with that when I get there.

Oct. 29, 2003: A Ray of hope?

I had my audition with Ray last night, and I think it went well. I actually got the sense that he was interested and pleased that we were hitting it off in person, which isn't a feeling I get very often. We'll have to wait and see if I was right, though; if I was a betting man, I wouldn't bet on it.

I arrived at Southport Lanes a few minutes after 8pm, and he'd been waiting long enough to have a beer sitting in front of him. I suppose some women would think it rude to go ahead and order without me, but I prefer to focus on the punctuality. He stood up after I approached him and, although I was prepared to hug, he went in for the handshake. When he stood up, my first thoughts were that he wasn't very cute and perhaps even effeminate—something in his voice made me think the latter. But I changed my mind on both fronts. His voice was fine, and, as the evening progressed (for three hours—so much for making these auditions shorter), I caught myself several times thinking that he was really cute, if a bit of a pretty boy or maybe even a metrosexual. He stood about my height, wearing jeans and a cable-knit sweater, with a big turtleneck. I'm not wild about guys in turtlenecks, but a girl has to make some concessions.
Or, as I almost said at one point, beggars can't be choosers. Ray had commented on being surprised to see in my profile that I'm 5'11”; he said he'd have thought I'd want someone taller (well, in a perfect world, yeah). Thankfully, and uncharacteristically, I didn't say the first thing to cross my mind, which was the beggars remark. There might be some hope for me, yet.

I guess nerves had hold of me at first. I was gushing out responses non-stop, to be honest, but I turned back the faucet and settled down. We had a lot in common, and lots to talk about—few conversational lulls. He started out asking me question after question about my work life—as he put it, trying to get a timeline. Like most people, he assumed I'd practiced law for a while and then burned out. The questions helped me relax (I mean, I did know all the answers and could talk at length). It dawned on me that we were talking only about me, so I asked where he worked. That's when he mentioned he's unemployed (which explains why he's such a good emailer—lots of free time). He was laid off from Fannie May/Fannie Farmer in the spring and took the summer off, after he finished his master's degree program. He just started searching for work again in September—ugh, what a drag. Ray mentioned off-handedly that he'd used his time off to get to know himself better, and, oddly, that wasn't a turnoff. It's not the most manly thing to say, I think, but it didn't bother me at all. Very gracious of me, I know.

That's how he found Emode. He was dating a girl who was very into astrology (o-o-kay…), and she directed him to the site because it's bursting with all sorts of quizzes and evaluations and stuff. The dating part only takes up one section.

Overall, the conversation was very loose and easy, flowing, and we never got around to playing pool. He seems quite open, and we covered a lot of ground: families, particularly our mothers (his is in Kalamazoo but is a snowbird in Ft. Myers) and older siblings (it was nice that he could understand how my oldest sister and I aren't close, rather than judging it), and having older parents while growing up—we’re both the youngest in our families by far and accidents. He grew up in Michigan—mom and brothers still live up there, including one brother who’s around 50 and lives with the mom in Kalamazoo. Talked about Flint and Michael Moore—Ray has family roots there, and they worked for GM. Didn't seem too into pot, which is a good thing—when it came up in conversation, he didn't come across as someone who still partakes—his brother does and it was obvious he thinks he’s a loser. Fantasy football, including the KFFL Web site for fantasy football players (I googled him—hey, that's a precaution every single gal should take—and found an endorsement he gave KFFL; didn't mention that, of course). Broke up with his girlfriend in May. Hasn't traveled much, talked about his bachelor party trip to New Orleans and how he had to bring school books. Seems like he also has toned down his drinking from earlier days. Also bothered by smoke, but we agreed you have to accept that in bars. In response to my inquiry, he estimated 90 percent of his friends are married, which made me think, "What's wrong with you, that you aren't married?," which is totally absurd, for obvious reasons. Big hockey fan, especially the Red Wings—I could live with that, if I must; your interests don't need to be perfectly compatible. We shared some condo ownership tales and woes—he moved into a garden unit about four years ago and said he probably knows more about sump pumps than 25 people I know combined, which seems like a safe bet. Cats—probably shouldn't have told him about how my old cat Sam would eat my other cat Jack's puke. Reality TV. Concerts.

We sat at the bar but swiveled toward each other on our stools. Open-faced, if you will. I didn't, as I'd planned to going in, do much of the casual touching. I'm not good or comfortable at that at all, I think because I'm so self-conscious about it. I worry it'll seem too obvious or pathetic or be very unwelcome. I don't think it comes off as natural from me, like I'm just a touchy-feely person where I can put my hand on someone's arm or thigh and it doesn't mean anything because it's just the way I am. I think it's quite obvious that I'm not that kind of person naturally, and that my touch is a conscious attempt at something.

I drove Ray home, and we talked about Fannie May candy (each different kind has a distinctive swirl on top—who knew?) and an Indian wedding he'd attended, how people mingled during the actual ceremony. When I pulled up in front of his place, I shifted in my seat a bit to face him better. He went in for another handshake pretty quickly, though, and not with the firmest of grips, I might add. I'm sure my hand was freezing, as usual. He thanked me for coming out, and said he'd email or call and if I needed to find him, now I knew where to look. Not the most encouraging parting, but I'm starting to wonder if anyone ever wants to be overly enthusiastic in those situations, when they're not sure what the other person thinks. Is it different when you've met online versus in a bar or a blind date?

I kind of came away with the impression that he was trying to play by the rules, so to speak. I guess it was the handshakes and how we split the check that prompted me to think that. Of course, he is unemployed, so maybe that was a factor with the check.

I've vowed not to email him today, and I'm sure he won't—no guy ever does. And he didn't pay, so I don't have the handy "thank-you note" excuse. By waiting until tomorrow, Thursday, I can ask the innocuous question of whether his weekend plans are starting to come together. He mentioned that, with all his friends married and having other obligations, he can't even begin to try to pin them down for a weekend until the preceding Thursday. I know he's not into the Halloween thing, so maybe, just maybe, we can get together Friday. I shouldn't be thinking ahead like that, though—when will I learn? Rhetorical question.

Barry responded to yesterday's email this morning. He said his schedule this week isn't going to lighten up:

"There is no way this schedule is gonna let up. Somebody somewhere must think I've been slacking off for a while, and now I've got to make up for all of that lounging around time. It's getting a little tricky, because I really need to fit these training runs in."

He asked if anything new and exciting is happening with me, but I'm holding off on responding for a while. I'm definitely getting the idea that he's not much for email. Good—maybe that'll stop him from entering into passionate exchanges with some Match whore. Some other Match whore, that is.

In EH, Paul from Roselle requested communication. He's 43, so I'm hesitant, even if he is 6'2”. I suppose it can't hurt to go a round or two.

I've also got a Yahoo Icebreaker, from crazanimal82. He's 43, conservative, mustachioed, and lives in Romeoville.
***
Paul responded to my five close-ended questions. He wants two kids (don't mind the fact that he's already 43) and says he's serious most of the time but likes an occasional good laugh. I'm going to close this and not even bother with drawing his attention to our divergent attitudes on kids. Ah—I just discovered that the reasons offered for putting someone on hold aren't the same as those for closing.

I responded to Barry's email but kept it light and relatively brief. I didn't even allude to getting together. I'm so coy, doncha know. I did mention my trip to Hawaii in three weeks—maybe that will convey a sense of urgency.
***
Instant Icebreaker from Emoder ravedancer. He wants kids. Leave me alone. He's also a triathlete (too serious for me) and gives only two lines in his text. He's into yoga and takes ballroom dancing class. Metrosexual, anyone?

I think one of these days (I'm not there yet), I'm going to take a different approach when shopping. I'm going to go into a site with a set number of guys that I must email. That will force me to be less picky about location, etc.

As if the gods are eavesdropping, I just heard from another Emoder, who actually starts his email by asserting that the suburb of Darien isn't that far. OK—I'll take a peek. Interesting—a Native American with red hair, according to his profile. Wish he had a photo, I'd like to see that. Skimpy profile, but I note one of his hangouts is singles dances. Uh, no thanks.

In a weird stroke of luck (so to speak), I came across an article online today about the casual sex section of Craig's List. I used the Criag's List Web site last year to find a short-term apartment in DC, but I didn't know about that section until Ray mentioned it last night. I'd been talking about some of the email I receive proposing one-night stands (just to let him know how desirable other deviates, I mean guys, find me). Anyway, it gives me some material to email him with tomorrow. I think I'm going to be more direct than usual, just to cut to the chase. Something along the lines of "It was good to meet you the other night. Hope to hear from you again." Not too pushy but leaving no doubt about my inclinations. In my fantasy world, he'd follow up by suggesting we get together Friday night, with dinner at Magnolia (right near him) and then the Marshall Crenshaw show at the Abbey Pub. What am I smoking?

Oct. 28, 2003: Pre-audition prep work

It's kind of ridiculous that my spirits are still abuzz from Barry's call the other day. Then again, I am in the virtual starvation phase of a crash diet right now, so maybe I'm just woozy from insufficient calories. I realize the diet thing chalks me up as pretty stereotypical, again, but I've gained almost 10 pounds since I broke my rib this summer. That's not too stereotypical. If my life was a chick lit book, I'd have fallen in love with someone at the accident scene, maybe a witness, a paramedic, or the doctor in the ER, or maybe the truck driver himself. It didn't happen, although I did develop a brief love affair with Vicodin.

My audition with Ray is scheduled for tonight, and he sent another funny email last night. I'm not going to reply, though—I don't want appear overeager, when we're meeting tonight anyway. I might be in a danger zone here because of our email exchange. We've been writing regularly for almost two weeks. Every email has run fairly long, and his have cracked me up almost every time. We have a great rapport going online, so it'll be disappointing if the audition brings it all to an end.

Of course, the real issue right now is what to wear. Should I wear the ribbed yellow shirt, which now is "lucky" because I wore it on the audition with Barry, or the hot pink blouse, which isn't particularly revealing or flatteringly cut, but I'm always told the color looks great on me? I don't think I've ever worn the blouse on an audition, primarily because I'm wearing it in a photo on my profiles. How silly is that? Like some guy is going to remember that.

An Emode Icebreaker came in from safarisam. What do you know—I'm exactly what he's looking for. He has a cheesy mustache (is that redundant?), a sparse profile, and I suspect he's lying about his age. Not at all what I'm looking for.

MM has been very quiet lately. MARK784 must have given up. Presumably, he found our meager exchange as tiresome as I did and wasn't willing to step up to the plate to expand it or talk on the phone. Whatever.

I'm thinking about sending Barry a short email later, just to touch base and see if his schedule has opened up at all. He said it might, so I'm thinking that won't seem too "stalker-y."
***
I emailed Barry this afternoon—a mere two lines, wondering about his schedule this week (which wasn't even necessarily a plea for a date, but could simply have been a polite inquiry about how his week is going) and hoping he's enjoying his rest days from training. In my first draft (yes—I'm doing drafts), I mentioned that I should be free Wednesday and Thursday nights, but I deleted that because I don't want to look like I'm living or dying for our next meeting.

I received an Emode email today from marshallmarshall. He lives in Houston but will be in Chicago for business next Wednesday and wondered if I'd like to get together for dinner, happy hour, or something that night. He includes his phone number and full name (allegedly). Do women actually accept these invitations? And does my profile make it seem like I'd be up for something like that? I think not, at least not to the second question. What's odd is that this guy's profile makes him appear normal. Not like the bisexual guy from yesterday. Anyway, I have plans with the girls that night. Otherwise … not.

Emode sent me another email with 10 guys who want to "meet" me. I'm not sure what the point of subscribing was—the activity level hasn't decreased much since I dropped my subscription. Marshall is one of the 10 and indicative of my level of interest in the whole crew, particularly as most of them are from out of state and/or short.

I've settled on the hot pink blouse for tonight with Ray. I usually go for the more form-fitting tops for auditions, but what the hell, I’ll shake things up a bit. I'm wild like that. Now if I can only stop myself from talking too much and try to be a bit flirtatious. It's so hard for me to remember to treat potential love interests differently than I do everyone else. Of course, Ray and I have emailed so much, he already knows a fair amount about me. Quite different from Barry and me.

As always pre-audition, I took care today to shave extensively and think about my choice of undergarments. Why, I don't know, because I rarely get that far on the first date, let alone audition. I'm lucky to get a good kiss (that may well be due to my poor signal-sending, yet another of my dating inadequacies, but that's a topic for another day). My other ritual, artfully painting my chin and upper lip with hair removal cream, is much more practical.

I just received another Icebreaker from an Emoder, yourfutureexboyfriend. He's selected three of the optional lines Emode provides these wimps, which means that his "message" uses the proclamation "Wow" twice. According to this guy, we have a really high compatibility score and the same outlook on life, and I'm exactly what he's looking for. Sadly for him, he's 5'8”, bearded, and lives in Libertyville. Not at all what I'm looking for.

Over on EH, I haven't heard from Rob since I sent my phone number and suggested he email a photo to my personal email address. What’s he hiding? Joe from Evanston finally got a clue and closed me out.

Oct. 27, 2003: Yahoos in Yahoo

I'm looking at the latest Yahoo missives. One message just rambles and appears to be a form letter:

"Well Hello,I sit here ready to create to the words to make you swoon, tipsy and even blush.... They will spark your imagination of a man who has drum rolls as he enters rooms. A introduction to end all introductions!!!!!!( what hype!) Yes , YOU can be the lucky girl to have it all with one simple click of your mouse. You say it can be true? You say that this is the stuff of movies...well. You are going to be the star of this movie and I will be your co-star. ( you get top billing , I get the personal trainer) I can tell this is going to be the begining of something wonderful and do you know why...................................................................................................Because we deserve it!!! Yes, we can have it all so what are you waiting for. Send me your response so we may begin our journey to adventure's new, come aboard, were expecting you!!!! The love boat la de da the da la de dada......I am such a drama queen, so do you enjoy some cutting edge theater and the CSO, new dining expiriences and a whole bunch more than I am your guy for the fourth quarter of 2003. I am waiting your reponse.....Dennis"

Doesn't exactly leave me dying to reply. What's strange is that his profile is relatively normal, if lacking a photo and indicating he wants kids and is conservative. Maybe he was drunk when he wrote the message. Regardless, I'm not moved to reply.

The other Yahoo message is from oceanbluelifeiscool, who says merely "I'm interested in getting to know you, if you feel the same." He's a smoker who lives in Munster, Indiana, and describes himself in his brief text as "mild-mannered, curtious and reserved." Setting aside the spelling error, I think I need someone with a fairly strong personality, not reserved.

In the Yahoo Icebreakers, one guy acknowledges in his profile that his photo is 10 years old, plus he's 5'8”. Another guy is 44, lives in Schaumburg, and mentions "mind-blowing sex." I don't think I'm a prude, but c'mon—isn't it a little premature (and immature) to mention that? I mean, yeah, that's what we're all looking for, right? You don't really have to say it. Or is the point supposed to be that you're a mind-blowing lover? Either way, it strikes me as tacky. I give him credit for looking for women as old as 47 (although his 28 minimum is a bit ludicrous, if typical), but he also asks for "Young, seductive and modern in your thinking, style, and appearance (no old fashion grammas, mini-vans or nuns allowed!). Also, please be SLIM, FIT, very attractive and very affectionate!"

Another Icebreaker came from a 50-year-old in Mundelein. No photo, not that it would matter. The last is from normal_on_north_side. He's 36 and 5'11” but no photo and little text. I may well reach the point where I'm less picky about the text and how much they share in the profile, but I'm not there yet. I don't feel like pulling teeth or going through lengthy email exchanges to establish some basic facts and background. And it makes me think a guy is either lazy or hiding something.
***
I received one Yahoo Icebreaker from the disturbing user name of Chicago_bi_guy_seeks_bi_girl. I wasn’t surprised to see he describes himself as liberal. He writes in his profile that he's looking for a "friend, friend with benifits, or a girlfriend for a long-term relationship." He's flexible, if nothing else (or everything else). He continues: "I will TRY alot of things at least once. Looking for another freak." Then he says he likes walking on the beach, concerts, museums, etc. and concludes with "If any of this sounds like a good time, send me a note." Well, gosh, there's just so much to choose from—am I interested in concerts and musuems or freaky things? Um … none of the above.

Oct. 26, 2003: A positive development!

I spoke too soon (as always; well, often)—Barry sent a pink slip yesterday afternoon:

"Oh yeah. Waaaaaaaay too eary to be e-mailing. If you're gonna be doing the internet dating thing, you might as well be doin' it the old fashioned way.
I survived the long run this morning -- we'll see how I'm feeling after the one tomorrow.
I'll see ya at the race. Try to keep up . . . . . if you can."

Not exactly enthusiastic, and nothing about enjoying meeting me, getting together again, or maybe grabbing a bite after the run, etc. The run kicks off in an hour, and I can't believe I need to worry about how I'll look for it. I usually just roll out of bed and go, with brushing my teeth the extent of my primping. I even considered hitting Sportmart earlier this week to pick up something more "sexy" than my big blueberry Nike jacket, baggy wind pants, and sweat-faded baseball hat, but came to my senses. I really don't want to see him there, let alone while running. If I can avoid him by the start line, I should be okay because he's running the 10K and I'm only doing 5K, so I'll be long gone when he finishes.

Rob from EH replied yesterday afternoon, with a long email. He said he made his photo available, but I haven't been able to access it. He wrote about some of his history—where he's lived and traveled—and how he and a friend want to start a speed dating service, which is kind of ironic, considering how unspeedy EH is. He ended by asking about exchanging numbers, and I'm okay with that. Why drag this out?
***
I didn't see Barry at the run, not surprising considering about 2,000 runners and walkers participated. Quite a few tall guys, I noticed.

Rob replied to my EH email already, but he didn't use my own email address, which I'd included. He sent a short message, basically just telling me he lives in the Gold Coast area and agreeing with me that EH is a cumbersome and slow process. He said to let him know when I'd like to talk, and he'll give me his phone number. I guess that's standard in online dating; the EH "rules of the road" for open communication even refer to it, noting that women aren't comfortable giving out their numbers and prefer to get a guy's phone number. As in so many aspects of this process, though, I'm an aberration, preferring to give out my number.

Anyway, I don't really want to give Rob my number until I see his picture, which still isn't viewable. Call me shallow, but if I find him physically repulsive, I don't want to proceed, let alone give out my number. He said he made his photo viewable yesterday, but maybe it takes EH a day or so to activate. I'll wait until tomorrow and see what happens.

Meanwhile, Joe from Evanston moved us to stage 3 in EH—the lists. He posted some photos, too, that appear to be from a golf outing. He's not parti