tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10971908.post-1119371323430706312005-06-21T10:44:00.000-05:002005-06-21T11:28:43.460-05:00Well, I made it through the big day with my psyche intact. As predicted, spending the day in a crowd threw up a dam against my rushes of self-pity. Not that some moments and comments didn't arise that struck close to my hyper-sensitive, orange-level alert singleton sensibilities, such as when my sister explained that, because we'd eat at two tables, couples had to split up: "You can't eat with the same dinner partner you eat with every night." My television wasn't in attendance, but I'm sure the people at the other table would have found it the delightful dining companion I find it to be night after night.<br /> <br />After we sat down, my brother announced that he and his wife are expecting their fourth child next summer—how very Catholic. He's 44 and she's 40; he'll be 63 when the baby goes to college. So, Chuck is one of the guys I've railed against a few times—children at any age because, by gosh, he can! Not really, of course—they claimed the pregnancy was unplanned and I have no doubt that's the case, just from things Bridget has said in the past. Still, I bet he was happier about the turn of events than she.<br /> <br />It does throw off the new approach to niece and nephew gift giving we adopted this year. At my Scrooge-like suggestion, instead of all five of us (me, my brother and sister, and their spouses) each buying gifts for all of the nieces and nephews, who range in age from two to 19, we each drew a name and only bought a gift for that child. Five adults, five kids. With six kids expected next year, I really need to find a husband and fast, if only so things are even for gifting purposes next year.<br /> <br />Back home last night, lying in bed, my thoughts turned to Alan. I started entertaining the notion that maybe I could just sleep with him. I even began to mentally compose an email to him, along those lines. I pushed the absurd thoughts out of my head, though, realizing that he probably wouldn't even call again after our dull lunch. If he did, I didn't know if I could propose the sex idea over the phone. Foolish to even think about this, I told myself.<br /> <br />This morning, however, I found an email from Alan, sent yesterday. He said he had a good time at lunch, but it was too short—he'll call me this weekend to see if I want to get together again. His email is sitting in my mailbox as I type, teasing me with how easy it'd be to reply with a message like the following:<br /><br />"Hi, Alan—Hope you had great holiday. As far as getting together again, I have to tell you that it doesn't seem to me like we're really clicking. To be perfectly honest, though, it occurs to me that I haven't slept with anyone since I broke my rib in July, and I'd really like to again before 2004. You seem like a nice guy and a happy person, so if you're up for seeing if we connect on this level, let me know and maybe we can get together this weekend. Have some drinks at my place and see what happens …"<br /><br />Do I have the guts to send this? Why not? If he's turned off by my directness, I won't have to hear from him again, and it won't be a big loss (except, perhaps, to my self-esteem). If he's up for it (so to speak), well, could be interesting, to say the least. After enduring three months of this crap, don't I deserve a little fun?<br /> <br />On a different note, I think I'm going to close my Matchmaker account. I haven't met anyone through the service, and I constantly hear from undesirables, like NEVERTELL447, the 47-year-old married guy who wrote me yesterday (Christmas!). "Not-so-happily married" to a woman who's been ill for 10 years, he's looking to develop a long-term "wonderful affair." Thanks, but no. I'll make do with Yahoo, Match, and EH for now.<br /> <br />And someone new from Match wrote me this morning, KEN41MIDWAY. He writes only "r u 4 real" and includes his phone number and email address. He blames his lack of photo on not owning a scanner. He's a librarian who lives near Midway. His profile doesn't do anything for me, and I really do want to take a few days off, so I guess he's out of luck.<br /> <br />So what to do about Alan? When I let myself consider it last night, the sex idea seemed like a darn good one, but now I'm losing my nerve. I'm so much braver at night, alone in my bed. I think I'll work out for a while and then decide. If I don't send Alan my proposition this afternoon, I probably won't.<br />***<br />While riding my exercise bike, I read several chapters of a book called "A Round-Heeled Woman," by Jane Juska. At the age of 66, Juska placed an ad in The New York Review of Books, saying she'd like to have a lot of sex with a man she likes before she turns 67. The book speaks to me, especially as I consider propositioning Alan. Sadly, she's much more daring than I; yet, as she engages in these trysts, with disturbingly aged men, she doesn't describe much in the way of non-carnal satisfaction and she ends up hurt with some regularity. I'm more than halfway through the book, and, even when she scores the sex she seeks, she doesn't seem particularly happy. Beyond the actual encounters, I don't sense a lot of enjoyment or fulfillment from her exploits.<br /><br />Of course, she writes upfront that she's more interested in sex than conversation or, presumably, regular companionship. "If you want to talk first, Trollope works for me," she concludes her ad. I don't think I could be that mercenary--I'm looking for more than just the physical pleasures of sex, unfortunately. I do envy Juska. As the book jacket puts it, "since her ad made it clear that she wasn't expecting just hand-holding, her dates zipped from first base to home plate in record time." That'd be nice. How sad that this AARP member is more able than I, a woman supposedly in her sexual prime, to move things along.<br /><br />As fun as it is to fantasize about having a purely sexual interlude with Alan, who am I kidding? Considering my mental block on having sex with someone I find attractive but have just met (a block I mightily curse—I wouldn't want to be as slutty as Samantha, but Miranda wouldn't be so bad), I doubt I could sleep with someone I've gotten to know somewhat but aren't attracted to in the least. In two meetings, I haven't found anything about him that attracts me—his looks, his personality, etc. Not that they're unattractive—they just don't do anything for me. Even his apparent interest in me isn't doing it. And yet I'm curious how Alan would reply. If only I was attracted to something about him.<br /> <br />It can't hurt to at least send an email—it's not like I'm making a commitment and I have to start somewhere if I want to break down my mental blocks. I can change my mind at any time, and I don't even have to answer the door, should we get to the point that he comes over (essentially to service me). Right? To hell with it—I'm thinking too much. Cut and paste, and off the message goes. Now.<br /> <br />It's done—I sent the message above, with the addendum that, if he's not up for it, that's cool, too, and wishing him luck in the new year. How am I going to concentrate on my post-holiday sales shopping this afternoon? Yikes.<br />***<br />Fresh out of the shower, I crept back into my office to see if Alan had replied. Nope.<br /> <br />Had to check my Yahoo email account for something from a client and thought I might as well see if anything new had come in. At the same time, I was thinking about what I might write to Joe, if I were to follow up. While showering, still feeling emboldened from my email to Alan, I thought about writing him to suggest that wild weekend he mentions in his profile.<br /><br />To my surprise, I had a message from Joe in Yahoo. Not much—just happy holidays and he's finally getting over his cold. He sent it on Christmas Eve, so I can go ahead and respond without seeming overeager. If he's anything like me (Lord, I hope not!), he wouldn't call again unless I showed my continued interest by responding to the email. I shall. Upbeat and no references to thinking he'd blown me off or the delay since I've last heard from him.<br /> <br />Oh, God—my phone just rang and, sure enough, it was Alan. I couldn't bring myself to answer, and I feel sick to my stomach as I sit here waiting for voicemail to kick in. Has he received my email? One way to find out.<br /> <br />OK—listening to his recap of my email makes me realize how ridiculous my proposal is, especially when he chuckles a little at the beginning. "You didn't feel we connected at all on the second date"—actually, Alan, on either date. He said he agreed about the lunch, though, and that he's not a fan of lunch dates in general. "But you would be interested in sex. Uh, I got nothing to lose in that one. So feel free to give me a call back. L-later." What have I done? I'm drowning in second thoughts, especially having heard from Joe, who I was attracted to. I'm not exactly sure what I was looking for in Alan's response, but I don't think I got it. He again came off as kind of dull-witted. "Hey, it's a no-lose proposition for me, right?" On the other hand, he is willing, so I've got that going for me, at least.<br /> <br />I'm calling Joe. Probably shouldn't, but don't want to wait. I'm emboldened, dammit. Got his machine, thank God. What I really need to do is dry my hair and drag my ass out the door.<br />***<br />As the night drags on without a call from Joe, I regret having called him. I rationalized my call by telling myself that, by doing so, I was taking action, instead of just sitting around, hoping he'd call. I ended up doing just that, though, and, by both replying to his email and calling, I probably came on too strong. I didn't mention getting together in the message, but I did in my email. Doh.<br />*** <br />Jumped online before I went to bed, still suffering from would-be dater's dissonance over calling and writing Joe so quickly. I logged on to compare cell phone plans (another exciting Friday night—do I know how to live or what?), but of course checked email and saw Joe had written. He said that he's at his mom's house in Michigan and doesn't have my number but hopes to talk when he gets back today. That would explain why he emailed me initially thru Yahoo, instead of using my own address. So that's encouraging. Now I just need to keep myself on an even keel. I'm going to lunch and a movie with my sister this afternoon, which should keep me occupied. Not that I won't check my messages …Bemusednoreply@blogger.com